Sunday, Nov. 20th (day 84) to Friday Nov. 25th (day 89).

So, Saturday night (after writing my last blog post), I went to the Bimhuis to see the Clazz ensemble play the music of Louis Andriessen. At intermission, I decided that I needed to introduce myself to the man himself. It turned out to be quite a good idea, as Mr. Andriessen asked me to contact him regarding a lesson and talk. I am way understating this when I say, holy crap, this is exactly why I came to Holland over anywhere else.

Sunday, I went to school to practice and write some jazz stuff. I tried to finish my latest chart (soon after named "Out of the Blue", but more on that later). It feels good to do work on a weekend and I felt quite accomplished (no doubt fueled by the amazing concert and meeting the night before).

Monday was much the same, spending the better part of the day at school writing and practicing (with a few hours in there for a MaxMSP intro course), only to return at 7:30pm for Live Electronics. What a total waste of time. About an hour and a half into the two hour lesson, the teacher finally decides that we should do something. So after taking more than half an hour just to set up and show him, we had to pack up and leave. What a mess. In any event, we are just about ready to start making music, someday.

Tuesday was a mix of a day if I had ever seen one. Starting with writing (for my jazz lesson that day), I went to Dok where a vocal teacher was speaking on the transition from student to professional. She had a very interesting story, spanning an early indecision, a late start in school, a near death experience that forced her to review her priorities (away from auditioning and towards being stress-free and creative), where she now directs a children's opera company, gives voice lessons, and teaches at CvA. She asked us to really review our priorities, what we really want out of life, and go for it. It related very closely to the week before, with the bass-clarinet teacher's speech, as well as this book I read a while ago called "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill. She shared concepts of desire, visualization, subconsciousness, etc. She also turned me onto this great documentary called "the Up Series", a British documentary that followed a group of about 20 kids from age 7, every 7 years, starting in 1964. It is just so refreshing to see this kids, and basically watch them grow up and confront life. Some "do well", others totally fall out. I am on episode 4 now (age 28), so I can't say just yet how everything turns out.

After Dok was my drumset lesson. It was a little more rough that usual, with the lesson starting with a discussion about grades (I had politely articulated that I needed grades on a 4-point system, instead of a 10, and to grade gently as my financial aid can be negatively affected by grads). So this spurred a conversation on my growth, especially compared to other students at the Conservatorium. In that oh-so-Dutch way, my teacher told me flat out that he has never actually had a student as bad as me. At this school, he would have never let me in the front door. He tried to backpedal a bit talking about the differences in the systems in America and Europe, the financial situation of a state supported institution that charges all students well below cost, and how that makes competition more fierce (more or less claiming that the American system, especially at non-conservatorie schools, was a very expensive conveyer belt. I would tend to agree, especially after such a great Dok class; something that we would NEVER have in the States). Anyway, not the recipe for high self-esteem.

Totally contrary to the above, my jazz comp lesson was amazing (although I have a different definition of "amazing lesson" than most, I have found out). I brought my new piece, a sort of Weather Report ballad, to the lesson. Not much was said, just my prof playing the piece over and over again, making a few corrections to some little mistakes and such. At the end, he turns to me and expresses great excitement and enjoyment in the piece and my progress. He even went so far to say that he wanted a copy of the lead-sheet and permission to arrange it for his big-band. Um, yes? This is where I differ from most music students: I like being recognized, praised, reinforced. Most "musicians" get really exited when a teacher publicly wrecks them, giving them a huge pile to work on, and much opportunity for improvement. Not me. I just want to be good, now. Even if it's not true, it sure feels good (at least at the time) to be recognized for what you do. I think positive reinforcement is underestimated here, while negative reinforcement is underestimated in the states.

Wednesday, our trio (voice, violin, and set) met for our first live-electronics rehearsal. It must have been more than four hours long. Totally crazy. We had some good moments, in-between the ever-present technical difficulties. It is rather challenging to improvise something that doesn't just end up being "etherial gesture based slow, brooding music". But we're working on it.

Thursday was pretty routine (practicing/writing for much of the day), with Forum being my only class. This week, Bernard Lang presented for the second time. I really, really enjoyed it. Much more than last week. He talked about his most recent projects, incorporating dance that imitates the "jittering" of experimental film derived from granular analysis. His most recent work was a giant installation, in a factory, of 12 dancers on brass plates that were hooked up to player pianos. Geez, it was just massive! And it took years to create, rehearse, choreograph, build the instruments, memorize the hour+ long piece, etc. I asked Mr. Lang after the presentation, how this was possible? As a German living in Vienna, he said it was quite easy to get funding for large projects, in the form of 5 year grants from the government. With a simple proposal, you can get enough money to live for 5 years (let alone expenses, paying performers, the rehearsal space, all that) with the simple wave of a pen. Total madness; no wonder we don't have many hugely ambitious art installations like that in the States, there just isn't any money for it. That poses the question (for someone like me that fancy's themselves an economist), why is this the case? and What can we do to change it? In my opinion, I think it is a simple lack of demand. But with a lack of demand comes an eventual lack of supply, to reach equilibrium. However, it is sort of a chicken-and-the-egg argument. We need some big spending to get the stuff out there, to really show the consumer what this is, in a very Steve Jobs sort of way, telling them what they want, even though they don't know it.

Thursday night I went to the Thanksgiving dinner put on by the American Book Center. It was a nice time with pretty good food, even though it was just I and one other student there with the IES Staff. It was a little distressing seeing how many Americans there were so typical, in that they were loud and rude and had very vocal opinions founded on belief rather than fact. I literally asked the IES staff if I had to go home, because I couldn't stand being surrounded by people like that for the rest of my life.

Friday (today), I had trio rehearsal (which was pretty rough, considering we perform in like 2 weeks), and a comp lesson. At the lesson I showed my most recent composition (or at least the beginnings of it); a commission from a friend violinist for violin, djembe and dance. While I was very excited about the piece, my teacher was quick to bring my back down to earth, telling me how much more there was to do, and the shortcomings that were already present. I don't want to make excuses, but I feel like I have a pretty good concept of where the piece is going, and he has to judge me based on what I have written, which was less than a minute of music. I guess I will just have to crank and show him what I can do. Thats all there is to that.

A rather interesting side-story. Very late Wednesday night, my phone rang. I didn't answer it for the obvious reason that it was after 11pm and a blocked number. I listened to the voicemail only to find out that it was someone calling "on behalf of Jim Cramer" with a "very exciting opportunity". Naturally, I thought this was regarding my recent application to work with Jim Cramer. I mean, what else could it be? So I got out of bed and called back right away, waiting on hold for hours. Nothing. So I called back today, and got a sales person saying they knew nothing of any application but would like to offer me a discount on the premium subscription to Action Alerts Plus. I feel totally had. Totally taked advantage of. The only reason they had my cell number is because I put it on the application, and they discard it but keep my on file for cold-calling? I can't believe it. I still don't know what to think about the whole thing, outside of being very embarrassed by assuming anything. I guess that is the reality of the business; people aren't people in the banking business, they are just potential clients, potential profits. Nothing more. On one hand I kind of like that; you are judged objectively by what you make. Your numbers say it all. It doesn't matter where you went to school, what your religion is, what you drive...just what you make. If you can offer consistant returns, be it in sales or commission or trading, you're golden. Paid a king's ransom. But it IS very inhumane. Very distant from what most people believe to be fair, or just. Still much thinking to do, but this episode puts me even farther behind in my own decisions.

I am so ridiculously behind it isn't even funny anymore.

Ok so, I HAVE been keeping track of what I have been doing with the full intention of updating the blog, every day missed, at some point. With there now being 12 days between my last post and today, I need to just wipe the slate clean. I will try to capture all of the important stuff that has happened since Friday, November 4th, day 68 to today, Saturday November 19th, day 83.

Most notably, the weekend of the 5th I was in Berlin. It was sort of a last minute, "I need to go somewhere now" decision, and since I had a Friday lesson instead of a Thursday one, I couldn't leave until Saturday morning, making it one whirlwind of a trip! So, Berlin: for starters, it is huge! Looking at the map, I decided that my hostel was close enough to the train station to walk and see a bit of the city. After walking for well over an hour and getting less than halfway there, I decided that I should have looked at the SCALE of the map first. So I made quick work of Berlin's famously efficient and clean public transport system to get to my hostel, called "Raise a Smile". It was not my choice to stay in this particular hostel, but it turned out to be pretty cool nonetheless. Unlike most hostels I've stayed in so far, this was merely a big flat in an apartment complex. The hostel was part of a non-profit collective that was raising money for some African village or something, but it was a great place nonetheless. Very friendly people working and staying there.

Some of Berlin's highlights that I managed to see on my less -than-36 hours there include the East Side Gallery, the Brandenburg Gate (named after the concerto I presume, however spelled incorrectly), the Tiergarden (my favorite part), and the outside of the Jewish Museum and some big government building (hey, I told you it was quick!). I also attended half of an opera, Dvorak's Rusalka (and I do mean half, I walked out of that terrible mess of a performance), put on by the Berlin Comic Opera company. First "professional" opera production, and probably my last (excluding 20th century that is).

Compared to Berlin, the rest of the week was fairly uneventful. The usual classes (half of which got canceled), lessons, practicing, writing. On Friday I went to a Dutch National football game vs. Switzerland. That was exciting, except for the fact that it was a friendly, and no goals were scored on either side (but that happens with good teams).

Over the weekend, not only did I manage to practice (on the weekend, that is a huge accomplishment for me!), but I also finished 2.5 jazz pieces and almost finished my piano piece! I'm telling you, this book that I keep talking about, Effortless Mastery, has just totally altered how I approach creating and studying music (but more on that later, if not another post).

That positive energy that I have allowed to flow through me in the recent past has manifested itself in my lessons as well. On Tuesday I had both my drumset and my jazz comp lessons; both of which qualify for the best lessons I have ever ever had (as far as my performance and preparedness goes). My drum teacher actually made me feel like a real human, and even more, a musician! He openly noticed that something had recently changed in my whole aura, and it showed in my playing (winning!). Jazz comp was nearly the same, with the prof. complementing my music and actually sitting up and really getting into my work. As if I was actually making music, for once.

Combine that with the crazy positive energy Erik van Deuren, a teacher at the Conservatorium and guest speaker in my Dok class, instilled upon us that same day, and you have a potent combination. He talked a lot about dreaming big, why do we play?, working with the next generation, recognizing that the performing arts world is shifting faster and more radically than most realize (and of course, how to capitalize on that). It was a very emotional class, at least for me, hearing how this man was able to create something like 25 brand new ensembles and have their existence totally subsidized by random Dutch companies that have nothing to do with music, out of the goodness of their hearts (?). When I approached him after class and asked him how these capitalist, self-preserving companies would give two shakes about music, let alone paying for the salaries of an ensembles worth of musicians for 10 years! He didn't really give me a satisfactory answer, instead quoting Kennedy and eluding to the importance of corporate research before making a proposition.

On Wednesday, I finished my piece (well, finished "composing" it), and went to see a sketch comedy show about social media at the Boom Chicago Social Club. It was a very good time, and actually pretty funny.

Thursday, at comp forum we had a guest lecture from Bernhard Lang, a modern composer that works with the musical concepts of "mashups" and DJing, using granular analysis and synthesis. While I am not usually one to favor process art, I was really into this and I will need to follow up on him more. Later I saw the Fred Hersch Trio live at the Bimhuis (first time I've been there...yea I know, sad), but not before twisting my ankle/breaking a bone in my foot (not sure which one yet, I need to get it examined one of these days).

Friday was a very weird day; I hobbled (literally) to my jazz trio ensemble rehearsal, which ended up being canceled (even though no one told me!). So I stayed around the conservatory and practiced for a few hours waiting for my composition lesson, which was already pushed back from Thursday. After being pushed back for another hour, I was very excited to meet my teacher and tell him about my finished piece and the great week that I was having and how excited I was to love music again....but to no avail. I'm still not sure exactly what it was, if he was in a bad mood or what, I mean I know he can always see right through me, so maybe he was calling a bluff I didn't even know I was making, but it just did not go well. After he told me that my piece was finished the week before (after I explained the ending, of course), he did a 180 and told me it was all wrong. All wrong. After we talked through that for a good half hour, he asked me what I was going to start next. I, boldly, said "You tell me. I am going to come to the Conservatorium van Amsterdam for my Masters degree, so what do you want to see in my portfolio? I will write that next." He did not take that quite as well as I thought he would have. After hemming and hawing for a few minutes, he replied "What I look for in a masters candidate is usually more...talent?" He followed that shocker with some statements about preliminary students having a more prolific portfolio that I would have in two years, and saying that my pace at Redlands would never prepare me in time. Furious, first of all because he has never seen my portfolio (you may remember the nonsense about me being confused as a jazz major, and my portfolio never being reviewed by the classical department), and second of all because I was seeking some sort of confirmation about the huge turn-around I felt I had made. He had helped me through so much mental anguish in the last few months, insisting that there was something in me that wanted to do this for real. And now that I was at the point where I was ready to put my whole life in this game, he dismisses it like some sort of prank. I am still very very aggravated by this, and can not help but think there must be something I missed.

Since then, this being Saturday, the 19th, just before going to the Bimhuis to see Andriessen's Clazz ensemble, I have done pretty much nothing outside of eating and moping. I really hope I manage though this little road block, as it took a lot for me to bring myself to this point, especially after having "figured myself out" in a completely different direction just weeks before. Maybe thats it, maybe it hasn't had time to fully sink in and I am not thinking clearly. I don't know, but I feel like crap about it.

Thursday, November 3rd. Day 67.

Today was finally the day of the New Music Arena, for which I was partly responsible for organizing. The New Music Arena is a monthly concert put on by the composition department to showcase CvA composers and their latest works. As an organizer, I was responsible for selecting pieces, programming, rehearsing, sound-checking, and generally putting on the concert. Despite the fact that I relied on my fellow organizers to do far more of the prep work than I, it was great practice for an activity that professional composers will no doubt face in the future.

During the actual performance, I was responsible for stage directions and lights. In my totally bias opinion, I think the whole concert went really well. All the pieces were really great, all the performers did well, and there were no train wrecks (other than the piano tech coming in during the rehearsal of an extended-technique piano piece, which had to be scrapped).

After the concert was composition forum class, where we discussed the concert. I think the students were all very receptive and supportive of what was widely considered an "unconventional" program. There were three pieces that were more "pop" than they were "classical", written and performed by classical composition students. I was afraid they would be ridiculed for being "in the wrong program" or writing "inferior music". However, this was not the case at all. I was happy to see that the students and professors were supportive and not hypocritical with regards to their self expressed acceptance record.

Later, a few of us met at a really sketchy boat restaurant to talk and get to know each other a little better. To top off the fun, we later moved to someone's apartment to house-party it up and eat some home-made pasta (made by a real-life Italian!). Needless to say, it was one of the better days I have ever had, and just one day after my RoS experience.

Wednesday, November 2nd. Day 66.

What a day! Possibly the best day ever. Possibly...

First off, Wednesday is my no-class day, so that is always a great start. After a rather late wake-up, I went to our third IES core meeting, where we supposedly talk about our learning experiences in Amsterdam thus far. As usual, the conversation got derailed rather quickly, but at least it was short. Interestingly, we talked about our next core meeting, which will be centered on "re-entry" and "reverse culture-shock". Since I don't recall experiencing any culture shock once arriving here, I have a hard time believing that I will experience reverse culture-shock.

On the way home, I made a quick stop at the grocery store; a much needed errand that ended up costing me about twice as much as it usually does. Hey, I was hungry!

In the evening, I had the great pleasure of seeing the Royal Concertgebouw perform Stravinsky's Rite of Spring with my Dutch friend Mathilde. Such a great piece, and a near flawless performance, and great company. I cannot stress enough how amazing it was; this was my first, and probably favorite, Stravinsky work. And live? Live. Played by the best orchestra in the Netherlands. Stunning.

After the performance, a few of us walked around and got some patats. I tell you, there is no better end to a night than some friets with joppie sause from Chipsy King. Perfect end to a perfect night.

Tuesday, September 1st. Day 65.

Today started with Dok, my music business class. We had a tax consultant come and talk to us about taxation and tax rebates in the Netherlands. While few of us in the class have definite plans to live and work in the Netherlands after school, it was very interesting to hear about tax policies and accounting with relation to musicians. Apparently, people like this gentleman make a whole career out of helping musicians, actors, and artists make the most of their money. I found that little fact the most interesting aspect of the day's lecture.

After Dok I had drumset lessons. While it is always exhausting to focus on minute musical details for a whole hour, I can tell that I am progressing, albeit very slowly. I am only a few chapters into my Effortless Mastery book, I think it will help me relax and let go of my mental blocks. But that will take some time.

Later, I had jazz arranging. That lesson is probably my most mentally taxing, just because I have to put up with my teacher, who is not much of a teacher at all. He is very good at what he does, however he is NOT good at communicating any of his knowledge. I practically have to interrogate him to get any useful information, which is frustrating because I know he knows what he is doing, since most of the time he just jams on the tunes I bring to him.

For dinner I went to the Kantjil Indonesian resturant with a big group from IES. It was very interesting food, to say the least. It was also very nice to see some of the "normal" (meaning non-conservatorie) students that I haven't seen in months.

After dinner, our group went to the Concertgebouw to see Shostakovich 1st cello concerto and Saint-Saens' Organ Symphony. The performance was actually not that great; you could tell the orchestra was tired (apparently they had just played an opera for a week straight before this show). I thought the cellist had a very bright tone, yet it did not cut through the orchestra at all. It was like watching her pretend to play. Also, many of the "normal" students were quite obviously not used to going to classical performances, and were taking flash pictures with their phones and talking through the pieces... annoying.

Monday, October 31. Day 65.

As usual, Monday came all too early. I tired to offset the awfulness of Monday by doing things completely unrelated to school, as my only class did not start until 7:30pm. I had been neglecting to pick up my (new) residency permit for some weeks, so I decided that today was a good day to do that. The Immigration and Naturalization office is not really in Amsterdam, however. Well, it is technically, but it is like and hour bike ride outside of the city, so I had to take a train. Naturally, my chip-card did not have enough money on it, so I had to top it up, but of course none of the machines take cash or American credit cards. So I had to stand in a ridiculous line to put 10euro on my silly little card, and board a train for all of a 5 minute ride. Once at the IND, I had to put up a bit of a fight to convince the workers that I had a residency permit, on which THEY printed my name incorrectly, and THEY told ME to pick up the FREE replacement. Arg, bureaucracy...

Next I went down to Vondelpark to my friend's -aunt's bookstore to pick up my ordered copy of Effortless Mastery. Unfortunately, since the book is a "textbook", it was rather expensive.

After that, I came back to my room to book my flight to Milan. In December, instead of my parents visiting me in Amsterdam, we are all going to Milan (which I am more than fine with). Next I went to school to practice a bit before my live electronics class. Practicing is always such a battle with me, however, my new book is supposed to help me with that, aiding me in becoming an "effortless master". We'll see, haha.

Live electronics. Oh how I loath thee. Really, it is like the fourth week of this class, and we have yet to play anything (and it is supposedly a performance class). Admittedly, I would probably not like it any more if we were playing, as I am more interested in the compositional/technical side of electronic music, but my schedule has been set in stone for many weeks and it is too late to make any changes. Anyway, we are still dealing with meaningless computer issues, mostly incompatibility with windows computers, and I am really getting tired of it. Maybe some day it will be less miserable, but for now I am just trying to get through each class.

Oct. 30th, Day 64.

Today was the last day my friend from Paris are in Amsterdam. We all (or I at least) slept in rather late, and we met up in the afternoon and did some shopping and such. For dinner we went to a pannekoeken restaurant, and I had a chicken pizza pancake, which was actually pretty darn delicious. Of couse, we finished the day with patats, as ever good day should end. After they left, I went back to my room to rest and do some reading before the week stared.