Most notably, the weekend of the 5th I was in Berlin. It was sort of a last minute, "I need to go somewhere now" decision, and since I had a Friday lesson instead of a Thursday one, I couldn't leave until Saturday morning, making it one whirlwind of a trip! So, Berlin: for starters, it is huge! Looking at the map, I decided that my hostel was close enough to the train station to walk and see a bit of the city. After walking for well over an hour and getting less than halfway there, I decided that I should have looked at the SCALE of the map first. So I made quick work of Berlin's famously efficient and clean public transport system to get to my hostel, called "Raise a Smile". It was not my choice to stay in this particular hostel, but it turned out to be pretty cool nonetheless. Unlike most hostels I've stayed in so far, this was merely a big flat in an apartment complex. The hostel was part of a non-profit collective that was raising money for some African village or something, but it was a great place nonetheless. Very friendly people working and staying there.
Some of Berlin's highlights that I managed to see on my less -than-36 hours there include the East Side Gallery, the Brandenburg Gate (named after the concerto I presume, however spelled incorrectly), the Tiergarden (my favorite part), and the outside of the Jewish Museum and some big government building (hey, I told you it was quick!). I also attended half of an opera, Dvorak's Rusalka (and I do mean half, I walked out of that terrible mess of a performance), put on by the Berlin Comic Opera company. First "professional" opera production, and probably my last (excluding 20th century that is).
Compared to Berlin, the rest of the week was fairly uneventful. The usual classes (half of which got canceled), lessons, practicing, writing. On Friday I went to a Dutch National football game vs. Switzerland. That was exciting, except for the fact that it was a friendly, and no goals were scored on either side (but that happens with good teams).
Over the weekend, not only did I manage to practice (on the weekend, that is a huge accomplishment for me!), but I also finished 2.5 jazz pieces and almost finished my piano piece! I'm telling you, this book that I keep talking about, Effortless Mastery, has just totally altered how I approach creating and studying music (but more on that later, if not another post).
That positive energy that I have allowed to flow through me in the recent past has manifested itself in my lessons as well. On Tuesday I had both my drumset and my jazz comp lessons; both of which qualify for the best lessons I have ever ever had (as far as my performance and preparedness goes). My drum teacher actually made me feel like a real human, and even more, a musician! He openly noticed that something had recently changed in my whole aura, and it showed in my playing (winning!). Jazz comp was nearly the same, with the prof. complementing my music and actually sitting up and really getting into my work. As if I was actually making music, for once.
Combine that with the crazy positive energy Erik van Deuren, a teacher at the Conservatorium and guest speaker in my Dok class, instilled upon us that same day, and you have a potent combination. He talked a lot about dreaming big, why do we play?, working with the next generation, recognizing that the performing arts world is shifting faster and more radically than most realize (and of course, how to capitalize on that). It was a very emotional class, at least for me, hearing how this man was able to create something like 25 brand new ensembles and have their existence totally subsidized by random Dutch companies that have nothing to do with music, out of the goodness of their hearts (?). When I approached him after class and asked him how these capitalist, self-preserving companies would give two shakes about music, let alone paying for the salaries of an ensembles worth of musicians for 10 years! He didn't really give me a satisfactory answer, instead quoting Kennedy and eluding to the importance of corporate research before making a proposition.
On Wednesday, I finished my piece (well, finished "composing" it), and went to see a sketch comedy show about social media at the Boom Chicago Social Club. It was a very good time, and actually pretty funny.
Thursday, at comp forum we had a guest lecture from Bernhard Lang, a modern composer that works with the musical concepts of "mashups" and DJing, using granular analysis and synthesis. While I am not usually one to favor process art, I was really into this and I will need to follow up on him more. Later I saw the Fred Hersch Trio live at the Bimhuis (first time I've been there...yea I know, sad), but not before twisting my ankle/breaking a bone in my foot (not sure which one yet, I need to get it examined one of these days).
Friday was a very weird day; I hobbled (literally) to my jazz trio ensemble rehearsal, which ended up being canceled (even though no one told me!). So I stayed around the conservatory and practiced for a few hours waiting for my composition lesson, which was already pushed back from Thursday. After being pushed back for another hour, I was very excited to meet my teacher and tell him about my finished piece and the great week that I was having and how excited I was to love music again....but to no avail. I'm still not sure exactly what it was, if he was in a bad mood or what, I mean I know he can always see right through me, so maybe he was calling a bluff I didn't even know I was making, but it just did not go well. After he told me that my piece was finished the week before (after I explained the ending, of course), he did a 180 and told me it was all wrong. All wrong. After we talked through that for a good half hour, he asked me what I was going to start next. I, boldly, said "You tell me. I am going to come to the Conservatorium van Amsterdam for my Masters degree, so what do you want to see in my portfolio? I will write that next." He did not take that quite as well as I thought he would have. After hemming and hawing for a few minutes, he replied "What I look for in a masters candidate is usually more...talent?" He followed that shocker with some statements about preliminary students having a more prolific portfolio that I would have in two years, and saying that my pace at Redlands would never prepare me in time. Furious, first of all because he has never seen my portfolio (you may remember the nonsense about me being confused as a jazz major, and my portfolio never being reviewed by the classical department), and second of all because I was seeking some sort of confirmation about the huge turn-around I felt I had made. He had helped me through so much mental anguish in the last few months, insisting that there was something in me that wanted to do this for real. And now that I was at the point where I was ready to put my whole life in this game, he dismisses it like some sort of prank. I am still very very aggravated by this, and can not help but think there must be something I missed.
Since then, this being Saturday, the 19th, just before going to the Bimhuis to see Andriessen's Clazz ensemble, I have done pretty much nothing outside of eating and moping. I really hope I manage though this little road block, as it took a lot for me to bring myself to this point, especially after having "figured myself out" in a completely different direction just weeks before. Maybe thats it, maybe it hasn't had time to fully sink in and I am not thinking clearly. I don't know, but I feel like crap about it.
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