After the aforementioned night of zero sleep, I woke up, showered, grabbed a redbull, and said my last goodbyes to the upstairs girls. I will probably never see them again. It is hard to believe that these faces I have grown so accustomed to seeing every day will soon be but a faint memory.
So at about 830 I finally got my stuff downstairs and to the taxi. The 30minute ride to the airport was just enough to get really worked up and seriously down about leaving. At the airport, everything went rather well. Both of my bags were about .5kilos under the weight limit, which was a relief because I knew if one was over the other would be too, and I would have to start chucking stuff. But, crisis averted.
On the plane, I slept not a wink, again. Meaning I watched movies and listened to music for 9 hours straight, just waiting to fall asleep. Didn’t happen.
Now I am sitting in Chicago, waiting for my 4 hour (ridiculous, right) layover to end. Maybe I could try to sleep…ha.
Coming into denver was a little scary, as I have never landed in snow before. I know I am just not used to it, but when I saw a fleet of fire trucks waiting at the end of the runway, it did not make me feel much better. It was the start of a real storm, and our flight was delayed (I guess we were lucky it wasnt canceled all together) so we could de-ice the plane. I did manage to sleep on this final leg of the trip, as it had been nearly 36 hours since I last slept.
Landing in Ontario was uneventful, over an hour late, and surreal in every way. I was quickly overcome with joy and longing when we pulled into the San Bernardino In-n-Out. All in all, it is good to be back.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Tuesday, Dec. 20th. day 114
D-day. Well, sort of. More like P/C day (and I don’t mean politically correct, there was nothing p-c about today). So much packing, so much cleaning. The whole freaking day. Well, other than a brief moment when I went to Albert Heijn to buy a crap-ton of stroopwafels from friends and myself. Somehow, all of the delft-blue tins were sold out! Someone had beat us to it! So I grabbed five of the little bags and made my way to the cashier. As I set the mass of deliciousness on the conveyer belt, I noticed they all expired like the first week of January, so it was already set up to be a major fail. To top it off, when I went to pay with my 50euro bill, the cashier looked up at me with the worlds most disgusted glare, as if to say “are you freaking kidding me? You think I am going to let you pay with this?!” So I replied with a friendly, “forget it buddy”, and walked out empty-handed.
After that little incident, the rest of my day consisted of more packing, interrupted by the periodic visit of a friend to say goodbye. Pretty much not ready to go.
I tried to get to bed early so I could be well rested for the trip, but it totally backfired. I was asleep by 10pm, and woke up at 2am when my upstairs neighbors came in (they are always pretty loud). After that I couldn’t sleep at all. I was literally up all night. So when my alarm went off at 730 am, I just sat up and looked at it in disbelief. How did this happen?!
After that little incident, the rest of my day consisted of more packing, interrupted by the periodic visit of a friend to say goodbye. Pretty much not ready to go.
I tried to get to bed early so I could be well rested for the trip, but it totally backfired. I was asleep by 10pm, and woke up at 2am when my upstairs neighbors came in (they are always pretty loud). After that I couldn’t sleep at all. I was literally up all night. So when my alarm went off at 730 am, I just sat up and looked at it in disbelief. How did this happen?!
Monday, Dec. 19th. Day 113
What a day, what a night. I want to remember Amsterdam as last night (meaning Monday night).
Woke up at about 11, worked on my violin piece (for some reason I still think I am going to finish it before I leave, despite the fact that I have not even started writing the climax and ending), did a little bit more cleaning and packing, and then went to school. It was the day of our final performance for our live electronics ensemble. I think the performance went really well, and it was quite possibly the most fun I have had performing live in a long, long time. Total freedom, total expression, no wrong notes. I have no idea if it was any fun or pleasurable to listen to, but it sure was fun to perform. The KMT boys did a little set as well, and that was really nice. They can do some cool stuff with electronics, that much is certain. Jos talked to me personally about coming back to do the masters' in electronic music. It is a little early to tell, but that seams like it might be a good option, however the program will be a total joke. It wont even fully exist until next year, for the first time, and who knows how serious it will be. But it will get me back to Amsterdam, so it might be worth it.
Anyway, after the performance I came back to my room to grab some dinner before heading out! During that time here dad called me and I called mom. Dad called to ask me if I wanted a Winchester '94 for Christmas, but it was too late, HE ALREADY GOT IT FOR ME! So much win. 1970 though, so it is a total mystery what we have, but he said it looks like it is in good condition, has had less than a box of shells through it. That could mean the guy got 5 shells in and decided it was a piece of junk, haha. We'll see, can't turn down a free gun though haha!
Alright, so at about 930 we head out to Skek, a cool little bar in the center. There were actually a lot of people there, Alexas really knows how to rally the troops for a good time. So we closed this bar, and had to go to another one. I really wish I could remember the name of the second one, it was a pretty tight place. I had been there once before with Kristin's friend when we crashed a birthday party, buurbrouw! Thats what its called (but probably not how its spelled). Anywhere, there was a live dj, some real creepers, and smoking allowed indoors. A total mess, but so Amsterdam. This is a locals-only hang, and you could tell.
After that, a friend and I went to get our last patats. Unfortunately Manakin Pis was closed, so we went to the one next to that on Damrak. We planned on going to Anne Frank the next morning, but that didnt happen (staying out till 3am doesn’t lead to waking up at 8am, go figure). So...yea I hate goodbyes!
Woke up at about 11, worked on my violin piece (for some reason I still think I am going to finish it before I leave, despite the fact that I have not even started writing the climax and ending), did a little bit more cleaning and packing, and then went to school. It was the day of our final performance for our live electronics ensemble. I think the performance went really well, and it was quite possibly the most fun I have had performing live in a long, long time. Total freedom, total expression, no wrong notes. I have no idea if it was any fun or pleasurable to listen to, but it sure was fun to perform. The KMT boys did a little set as well, and that was really nice. They can do some cool stuff with electronics, that much is certain. Jos talked to me personally about coming back to do the masters' in electronic music. It is a little early to tell, but that seams like it might be a good option, however the program will be a total joke. It wont even fully exist until next year, for the first time, and who knows how serious it will be. But it will get me back to Amsterdam, so it might be worth it.
Anyway, after the performance I came back to my room to grab some dinner before heading out! During that time here dad called me and I called mom. Dad called to ask me if I wanted a Winchester '94 for Christmas, but it was too late, HE ALREADY GOT IT FOR ME! So much win. 1970 though, so it is a total mystery what we have, but he said it looks like it is in good condition, has had less than a box of shells through it. That could mean the guy got 5 shells in and decided it was a piece of junk, haha. We'll see, can't turn down a free gun though haha!
Alright, so at about 930 we head out to Skek, a cool little bar in the center. There were actually a lot of people there, Alexas really knows how to rally the troops for a good time. So we closed this bar, and had to go to another one. I really wish I could remember the name of the second one, it was a pretty tight place. I had been there once before with Kristin's friend when we crashed a birthday party, buurbrouw! Thats what its called (but probably not how its spelled). Anywhere, there was a live dj, some real creepers, and smoking allowed indoors. A total mess, but so Amsterdam. This is a locals-only hang, and you could tell.
After that, a friend and I went to get our last patats. Unfortunately Manakin Pis was closed, so we went to the one next to that on Damrak. We planned on going to Anne Frank the next morning, but that didnt happen (staying out till 3am doesn’t lead to waking up at 8am, go figure). So...yea I hate goodbyes!
Sun, December 18th. Day 112
Didn’t really do much today other than start packing and cleaning the room. It was very surreal to be doing this. I know everyone said it would be over before I knew it, but it really was the fastest four months of my life. I guess that is how I know I had a great time. Anyway, now I am all packed an am sitting in a barren room with nothing to do. Well not totally nothing. I did write a little bit more on my piece, with the blind hope that I will be able to finish it in time to deliver before I leave.
A little later, a few of us gathered at a friend’s (at Funenpark) to hang out one last time (this particular girl was leaving the next day, so this really was the first actual goodbye I had to make). It was fun, but slightly depressing. I will, in all probability never see most, if not all of these people again. I really didn’t think that would bother me, especially after feeling somewhat alienated by my friends at home (at noone’s fault, I am far away, and they made no attempt to contact me or anything, but whatever). I guess all in all, I am starting to realize that people really matter to me. I know it sounds silly, like “no duh man”, but I really thought otherwise most of my life until now. This idea of having meaningful connections to people is completely foreign, or at least thriving on these relationships. I always kind of thought that relationships with people were for the weak, who were not comfortable enough with themselves to be alone. That society really diluted one’s view of self and life. It all sounds so crazy in hindsight, but that was really how I thought, and to a certain degree still think. I think it would be interesting to find out what a qualified psychotherapist says about all this, if there was some deep-down traumatizing event in my childhood that has lead me to distrust people to such a degree that I find relationships a crutch. Who knows. For now, I think I am on the right path, at least admitting that there is something to this people-thing.
A little later, a few of us gathered at a friend’s (at Funenpark) to hang out one last time (this particular girl was leaving the next day, so this really was the first actual goodbye I had to make). It was fun, but slightly depressing. I will, in all probability never see most, if not all of these people again. I really didn’t think that would bother me, especially after feeling somewhat alienated by my friends at home (at noone’s fault, I am far away, and they made no attempt to contact me or anything, but whatever). I guess all in all, I am starting to realize that people really matter to me. I know it sounds silly, like “no duh man”, but I really thought otherwise most of my life until now. This idea of having meaningful connections to people is completely foreign, or at least thriving on these relationships. I always kind of thought that relationships with people were for the weak, who were not comfortable enough with themselves to be alone. That society really diluted one’s view of self and life. It all sounds so crazy in hindsight, but that was really how I thought, and to a certain degree still think. I think it would be interesting to find out what a qualified psychotherapist says about all this, if there was some deep-down traumatizing event in my childhood that has lead me to distrust people to such a degree that I find relationships a crutch. Who knows. For now, I think I am on the right path, at least admitting that there is something to this people-thing.
Saturday, Dec. 17th. Day 111.
What an interesting day, again. As I am sure you will note by my last few entries, today was my lesson with Louis Andriessen, finally. I was very very nervous, I could hardly speak. Somehow I managed to pull myself together enough to get my scores printed, cd made, and ass to his house. Quite a nice house it was, despite all of the rather unfriendly steep stairs that I am coming to hate here in the Netherlands. Anyway, the first thing I did inside was receive some tea, as it was "tea time" in the Andriessen house. However, this tea had a little something extra. Apparently, according to the great Andriessen, a little dash of Disaronno is good for the heart on cold weather days or something like that. I knew it was going to be a good lesson when he said that. Only true masters drink hard liquor at 3pm, haha.
Ok anyway, we sat down and chatted for a bit about some jazz arranger that I should know, but only because Louis thought I said I play jazz trumpet, not jazz drumset. After correcting that (and he insisting that it was still worth-while to check out) the moment of truth arrived: "let me see your work". First we looked at Mondrianism, which was a tad awkward since Louis's own De Stijl was based on a text about Mondrian. Anyway, he liked it, I think (I still haven’t listened to the tape of the lesson, it was all such a haze in person). He said I mirrored Mondrian's style by leaving out certain things, which was a nice comment. Also he liked my handling of the low left hand material, saying so many composers somehow forget there is bass or something.
Then we listened to VII. It was quite painful, actually, to play that recording. In fact, that is what we discussed most about that piece. He really thought it was tragic how awful the performance was, and I think I agree. I guess having dedicated musicians that take the performance of new music seriously is something I have never had, so I didn't know it was missing. But it is a very important part music, I mean it is the realization of my mere dots on a page. I think he phrased it as having a musician work at your music enough to "steal it away from you, and make it theirs". While in English I am not sure anyone would have said that, it is a very nice way of putting it. "Performer, I want you to steal this music from me. Make it yours, but you have to take it from me first. Make some artistic decisions that make it your own. Invest in it." Nice nice nice.
Other than the performance, we talked about the painfully slow tempo, and how that in and of itself can create difficulties for practice and rehearsal, as well as conducting. Also rhythmically: to focus on rhythmic abnormality to that degree but so slow makes everything sound the same (which may be a good argument for its coherence, Idk haha). All in all, very practical things. I guess I heard that about Andriessen, that he isn't some composer dreamer with his head in the clouds, he really gets down and makes things work on a practical level. I like that.
And lastly was Linear Sketch, my most recent piano piece. I think I made a mistake by introducing it is a completed sketch (as opposed to an actual composition) that I had no interest in reviving. Anyway, he was quick to say that it was not a good practice to get into, throwing away pieces I was unhappy with or not finishing something I had started. I can see where he was going, again from a very practical stand-point. However, I am not sure if I will go back and make corrections, other than writing it in q= 80. I think I had a fun idea with making the tempo q=160, making the performer really think of a double tempo while performing syncopated half-rhythms. But anyway, he said I had some interesting ideas, which is all I could really ask for at this point, and from His perspective.
I think that is about it, other than the casual conversation around the table. He liked the wine, I mean he didn't open it, but he liked it. He also gave me a DVD of his recent piece Anais Nin, and signed it at my request (I am not sure if I understood him correctly, but I think he said he had never autographed anything before, or maybe that he had never signed this DVD before, I am not sure). He also said I could email his assistant for a full professional recording of his recent opera La Comedia, which won the Grawemeyer award.
Overall, I think I was most shocked at how utterly normal he was. I talked myself into a fit getting ready for this lesson, and it turns out he is more like a Dutch grandpa than a supernatural art-making machine. In fact, he did not resemble a crazy artist that writes this amazingly complex art music at all. I am kind of relieved by that actually, thinking of my own possibilities. All of my peers seem to be slightly crazy, or at least they would like to be viewed that way. But it seems the "older" professionals, and more mature teachers, are very practical about their approach to music. For Andriessen, at least in our lesson, he didn't speak much on "art", "expression", or any sort of cliche artistic nonsense. He treated it like he was making a wooden doll or something, something he had done many times, and I wanted to do. I could very well do it very differently from him, but he had some experiences he though would be helpful to share to make my own dolls better. I think that is a good analogy, maybe not. I am not sure. I guess I am back to being unsure about everything now because of this lesson, as I feared haha.
Ok, after the lesson, I went to a friends place for dinner. He made us some awesome home-made pasta with beet sauce (or something like that).. Anyway, it was fun. One last get together before we leave (even though we are having another one tonight, haha).
Once I came home, it must have been no later than 1130, I was just getting ready for bed, and I hear a knock on the door. It was my other roommate from Iran. He wanted to offer me some of his food, probably because I made a comment when coming in that it smelled good. We had a very nice, very long chat about Amsterdam, life, culture, marriage, school, work, money, geo-politics, and just about everything else you could imagine. I found it interesting that he regretting getting married, at least when he did, that he was very grateful for what the US did in Iraq and Afghanistan, and how it made Iran a safer and happier place. I would have thought that would be the opposite, and I find it ironic that making Iran happy was probably the last thing we actually wanted to accomplish while over there. Getting away from the political side, he liked my optimism about the future, and said that based on how I speak and what I post on facebook (very good metrics by which to measure a person, right?) that I really have a knack for econ and I should give that a try. I have nothing to lose, and I will be kicking myself all the way if I dont try, and I could very well spend the rest of my life learning. I appreciate the thought and the confidence, but it just is not that easy. And I really am trying to not be melodramatic about it, because I know I have the tendency to be melodramatic, but money, sunk cost, my apartment, the job market, etc. I still need to do some investigating, so there is till some time to decide these things, but being in limbo kind of bothers me. Lastly, we talked about Iran. He politely said that I am welcome to visit his country and that he would be happy to show me around. We both thought it would be good for more Americans to really see what it is like in person rather than what CNN says, but I am not sure if I am that person, at least not yet.
Ok anyway, we sat down and chatted for a bit about some jazz arranger that I should know, but only because Louis thought I said I play jazz trumpet, not jazz drumset. After correcting that (and he insisting that it was still worth-while to check out) the moment of truth arrived: "let me see your work". First we looked at Mondrianism, which was a tad awkward since Louis's own De Stijl was based on a text about Mondrian. Anyway, he liked it, I think (I still haven’t listened to the tape of the lesson, it was all such a haze in person). He said I mirrored Mondrian's style by leaving out certain things, which was a nice comment. Also he liked my handling of the low left hand material, saying so many composers somehow forget there is bass or something.
Then we listened to VII. It was quite painful, actually, to play that recording. In fact, that is what we discussed most about that piece. He really thought it was tragic how awful the performance was, and I think I agree. I guess having dedicated musicians that take the performance of new music seriously is something I have never had, so I didn't know it was missing. But it is a very important part music, I mean it is the realization of my mere dots on a page. I think he phrased it as having a musician work at your music enough to "steal it away from you, and make it theirs". While in English I am not sure anyone would have said that, it is a very nice way of putting it. "Performer, I want you to steal this music from me. Make it yours, but you have to take it from me first. Make some artistic decisions that make it your own. Invest in it." Nice nice nice.
Other than the performance, we talked about the painfully slow tempo, and how that in and of itself can create difficulties for practice and rehearsal, as well as conducting. Also rhythmically: to focus on rhythmic abnormality to that degree but so slow makes everything sound the same (which may be a good argument for its coherence, Idk haha). All in all, very practical things. I guess I heard that about Andriessen, that he isn't some composer dreamer with his head in the clouds, he really gets down and makes things work on a practical level. I like that.
And lastly was Linear Sketch, my most recent piano piece. I think I made a mistake by introducing it is a completed sketch (as opposed to an actual composition) that I had no interest in reviving. Anyway, he was quick to say that it was not a good practice to get into, throwing away pieces I was unhappy with or not finishing something I had started. I can see where he was going, again from a very practical stand-point. However, I am not sure if I will go back and make corrections, other than writing it in q= 80. I think I had a fun idea with making the tempo q=160, making the performer really think of a double tempo while performing syncopated half-rhythms. But anyway, he said I had some interesting ideas, which is all I could really ask for at this point, and from His perspective.
I think that is about it, other than the casual conversation around the table. He liked the wine, I mean he didn't open it, but he liked it. He also gave me a DVD of his recent piece Anais Nin, and signed it at my request (I am not sure if I understood him correctly, but I think he said he had never autographed anything before, or maybe that he had never signed this DVD before, I am not sure). He also said I could email his assistant for a full professional recording of his recent opera La Comedia, which won the Grawemeyer award.
Overall, I think I was most shocked at how utterly normal he was. I talked myself into a fit getting ready for this lesson, and it turns out he is more like a Dutch grandpa than a supernatural art-making machine. In fact, he did not resemble a crazy artist that writes this amazingly complex art music at all. I am kind of relieved by that actually, thinking of my own possibilities. All of my peers seem to be slightly crazy, or at least they would like to be viewed that way. But it seems the "older" professionals, and more mature teachers, are very practical about their approach to music. For Andriessen, at least in our lesson, he didn't speak much on "art", "expression", or any sort of cliche artistic nonsense. He treated it like he was making a wooden doll or something, something he had done many times, and I wanted to do. I could very well do it very differently from him, but he had some experiences he though would be helpful to share to make my own dolls better. I think that is a good analogy, maybe not. I am not sure. I guess I am back to being unsure about everything now because of this lesson, as I feared haha.
Ok, after the lesson, I went to a friends place for dinner. He made us some awesome home-made pasta with beet sauce (or something like that).. Anyway, it was fun. One last get together before we leave (even though we are having another one tonight, haha).
Once I came home, it must have been no later than 1130, I was just getting ready for bed, and I hear a knock on the door. It was my other roommate from Iran. He wanted to offer me some of his food, probably because I made a comment when coming in that it smelled good. We had a very nice, very long chat about Amsterdam, life, culture, marriage, school, work, money, geo-politics, and just about everything else you could imagine. I found it interesting that he regretting getting married, at least when he did, that he was very grateful for what the US did in Iraq and Afghanistan, and how it made Iran a safer and happier place. I would have thought that would be the opposite, and I find it ironic that making Iran happy was probably the last thing we actually wanted to accomplish while over there. Getting away from the political side, he liked my optimism about the future, and said that based on how I speak and what I post on facebook (very good metrics by which to measure a person, right?) that I really have a knack for econ and I should give that a try. I have nothing to lose, and I will be kicking myself all the way if I dont try, and I could very well spend the rest of my life learning. I appreciate the thought and the confidence, but it just is not that easy. And I really am trying to not be melodramatic about it, because I know I have the tendency to be melodramatic, but money, sunk cost, my apartment, the job market, etc. I still need to do some investigating, so there is till some time to decide these things, but being in limbo kind of bothers me. Lastly, we talked about Iran. He politely said that I am welcome to visit his country and that he would be happy to show me around. We both thought it would be good for more Americans to really see what it is like in person rather than what CNN says, but I am not sure if I am that person, at least not yet.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Friday, December 16th. Day 110
Today was an interesting day indeed.
It started with me coming outside to find my bike tire flat, mysteriously. I am not blaming anyone, of course, because if I were to think I was the victim of vandalism, that would only be out of sheer paranoia. But I did happen to chew a certain someone out for smoking weed in our room again, so maybe he was pissed and wanted to take revenge? Idk, but either way I didn't have time to fuss with it so I simply walked to school on my still kind of broken foot. Not fun.
Upon arriving at school, I needed to print some scores for my lesson with Fabio Nieder. Of course, after 4 attempts, the printer didnt work. Luckily, the help-desk people printed it for me, but it still took far too long. Even after all of this, Fabio was more than half an hour late on his lessons. When I finally got inside, all went very well. He is a fantastic teacher, and I really like how passionate he is when explaining things. He also instilled in me the need for "character" in my music; thinking about shape, contour, dynamics, articulation, sound, and timbre as much as pitches and rhythms. I thought I did that already, but he instructed me to focus on it intently, and I think my music will be more successful because of it. However, I thought I was recording the lesson, since I knew he would have all kinds of great things to say, but for some God-awful reason my phone decided it didn't want to record. Barry fail number 4? haha
Then I had live electronics rehearsal, which was whatever. Haha, you know how it is with that class. After class I came back home to fix my bike and get ready to go to my Dutch friend-girl’s house for dinner before our concert. The tire held air so I just figured my valve stem was lose or something. This lady’s house is quite cute, and exactly what I would expect in a typical Amsterdam house actually: very very steep stairs, low ceilings, many levels, above an Indian restaurant, all of that. Her parents are so nice and hospitable; I had a great time, even when we started talking about economics, gun violence, and politics. I think I did a great job of holding my tongue, or at least not putting my foot directly in my mouth, haha.
The concert was fun as well, all "modern" (within the last 30 years) Dutch music. I should probably write down the composers' names because otherwise I will never remember them, but I am too lazy to get up and look for the program, so I will put it on the blog tomorrow, haha.
After the concert we met Tristian, Duri, and some other CvA composer (so bad with names), and went to Litzeplien to hang. We chatted for a little bit, but my friend insisted on going home before midnight. When we got back to her house, at the very ideal setting on the canal out her front door, she told me that she really liked me...as a friend (how many times have you heard that crock?). She said she felt "too comfortable around me". Too comfortable to be more than friends? I feel like this isn't the first time this has happened, even though she is the first one to articulate it in this way. Maybe I am too comforting, too polite. Do I need to be more aggressive? More go-get-em? I dont freaking know. I kept pestering her that I may never see her again, and that we should try and hang out once more before I leave, but that was all before she said this. Not that I don't want to see her again, it is just not as awesome, haha. I really don't know why this keeps happening to me. Maybe I am too nice...haha I never ever thought I would be saying that. Oh. Freaking. Well.
It started with me coming outside to find my bike tire flat, mysteriously. I am not blaming anyone, of course, because if I were to think I was the victim of vandalism, that would only be out of sheer paranoia. But I did happen to chew a certain someone out for smoking weed in our room again, so maybe he was pissed and wanted to take revenge? Idk, but either way I didn't have time to fuss with it so I simply walked to school on my still kind of broken foot. Not fun.
Upon arriving at school, I needed to print some scores for my lesson with Fabio Nieder. Of course, after 4 attempts, the printer didnt work. Luckily, the help-desk people printed it for me, but it still took far too long. Even after all of this, Fabio was more than half an hour late on his lessons. When I finally got inside, all went very well. He is a fantastic teacher, and I really like how passionate he is when explaining things. He also instilled in me the need for "character" in my music; thinking about shape, contour, dynamics, articulation, sound, and timbre as much as pitches and rhythms. I thought I did that already, but he instructed me to focus on it intently, and I think my music will be more successful because of it. However, I thought I was recording the lesson, since I knew he would have all kinds of great things to say, but for some God-awful reason my phone decided it didn't want to record. Barry fail number 4? haha
Then I had live electronics rehearsal, which was whatever. Haha, you know how it is with that class. After class I came back home to fix my bike and get ready to go to my Dutch friend-girl’s house for dinner before our concert. The tire held air so I just figured my valve stem was lose or something. This lady’s house is quite cute, and exactly what I would expect in a typical Amsterdam house actually: very very steep stairs, low ceilings, many levels, above an Indian restaurant, all of that. Her parents are so nice and hospitable; I had a great time, even when we started talking about economics, gun violence, and politics. I think I did a great job of holding my tongue, or at least not putting my foot directly in my mouth, haha.
The concert was fun as well, all "modern" (within the last 30 years) Dutch music. I should probably write down the composers' names because otherwise I will never remember them, but I am too lazy to get up and look for the program, so I will put it on the blog tomorrow, haha.
After the concert we met Tristian, Duri, and some other CvA composer (so bad with names), and went to Litzeplien to hang. We chatted for a little bit, but my friend insisted on going home before midnight. When we got back to her house, at the very ideal setting on the canal out her front door, she told me that she really liked me...as a friend (how many times have you heard that crock?). She said she felt "too comfortable around me". Too comfortable to be more than friends? I feel like this isn't the first time this has happened, even though she is the first one to articulate it in this way. Maybe I am too comforting, too polite. Do I need to be more aggressive? More go-get-em? I dont freaking know. I kept pestering her that I may never see her again, and that we should try and hang out once more before I leave, but that was all before she said this. Not that I don't want to see her again, it is just not as awesome, haha. I really don't know why this keeps happening to me. Maybe I am too nice...haha I never ever thought I would be saying that. Oh. Freaking. Well.
Friday, December 16th. Day 110
Today was an interesting day indeed.
It started with me coming outside to find my bike tire flat, mysteriously. I am not blaming anyone, of course, because if I were to think I was the victim of vandalism, that would only be out of sheer paranoia. But I did happen to chew a certain someone out for smoking weed in our room again, so maybe he was pissed and wanted to take revenge? Idk, but either way I didn't have time to fuss with it so I simply walked to school on my still kind of broken foot. Not fun.
Upon arriving at school, I needed to print some scores for my lesson with Fabio Nieder. Of course, after 4 attempts, the printer didnt work. Luckily, the help-desk people printed it for me, but it still took far too long. Even after all of this, Fabio was more than half an hour late on his lessons. When I finally got inside, all went very well. He is a fantastic teacher, and I really like how passionate he is when explaining things. He also instilled in me the need for "character" in my music; thinking about shape, contour, dynamics, articulation, sound, and timbre as much as pitches and rhythms. I thought I did that already, but he instructed me to focus on it intently, and I think my music will be more successful because of it. However, I thought I was recording the lesson, since I knew he would have all kinds of great things to say, but for some God-awful reason my phone decided it didn't want to record. Barry fail number 4? haha
Then I had live electronics rehearsal, which was whatever. Haha, you know how it is with that class. After class I came back home to fix my bike and get ready to go to my Dutch friend-girl’s house for dinner before our concert. The tire held air so I just figured my valve stem was lose or something. This lady’s house is quite cute, and exactly what I would expect in a typical Amsterdam house actually: very very steep stairs, low ceilings, many levels, above an Indian restaurant, all of that. Her parents are so nice and hospitable; I had a great time, even when we started talking about economics, gun violence, and politics. I think I did a great job of holding my tongue, or at least not putting my foot directly in my mouth, haha.
The concert was fun as well, all "modern" (within the last 30 years) Dutch music. I should probably write down the composers' names because otherwise I will never remember them, but I am too lazy to get up and look for the program, so I will put it on the blog tomorrow, haha.
After the concert we met Tristian, Duri, and some other CvA composer (so bad with names), and went to Litzeplien to hang. We chatted for a little bit, but my friend insisted on going home before midnight. When we got back to her house, at the very ideal setting on the canal out her front door, she told me that she really liked me...as a friend (how many times have you heard that crock?). She said she felt "too comfortable around me". Too comfortable to be more than friends? I feel like this isn't the first time this has happened, even though she is the first one to articulate it in this way. Maybe I am too comforting, too polite. Do I need to be more aggressive? More go-get-em? I dont freaking know. I kept pestering her that I may never see her again, and that we should try and hang out once more before I leave, but that was all before she said this. Not that I don't want to see her again, it is just not as awesome, haha. I really don't know why this keeps happening to me. Maybe I am too nice...haha I never ever thought I would be saying that. Oh. Freaking. Well.
It started with me coming outside to find my bike tire flat, mysteriously. I am not blaming anyone, of course, because if I were to think I was the victim of vandalism, that would only be out of sheer paranoia. But I did happen to chew a certain someone out for smoking weed in our room again, so maybe he was pissed and wanted to take revenge? Idk, but either way I didn't have time to fuss with it so I simply walked to school on my still kind of broken foot. Not fun.
Upon arriving at school, I needed to print some scores for my lesson with Fabio Nieder. Of course, after 4 attempts, the printer didnt work. Luckily, the help-desk people printed it for me, but it still took far too long. Even after all of this, Fabio was more than half an hour late on his lessons. When I finally got inside, all went very well. He is a fantastic teacher, and I really like how passionate he is when explaining things. He also instilled in me the need for "character" in my music; thinking about shape, contour, dynamics, articulation, sound, and timbre as much as pitches and rhythms. I thought I did that already, but he instructed me to focus on it intently, and I think my music will be more successful because of it. However, I thought I was recording the lesson, since I knew he would have all kinds of great things to say, but for some God-awful reason my phone decided it didn't want to record. Barry fail number 4? haha
Then I had live electronics rehearsal, which was whatever. Haha, you know how it is with that class. After class I came back home to fix my bike and get ready to go to my Dutch friend-girl’s house for dinner before our concert. The tire held air so I just figured my valve stem was lose or something. This lady’s house is quite cute, and exactly what I would expect in a typical Amsterdam house actually: very very steep stairs, low ceilings, many levels, above an Indian restaurant, all of that. Her parents are so nice and hospitable; I had a great time, even when we started talking about economics, gun violence, and politics. I think I did a great job of holding my tongue, or at least not putting my foot directly in my mouth, haha.
The concert was fun as well, all "modern" (within the last 30 years) Dutch music. I should probably write down the composers' names because otherwise I will never remember them, but I am too lazy to get up and look for the program, so I will put it on the blog tomorrow, haha.
After the concert we met Tristian, Duri, and some other CvA composer (so bad with names), and went to Litzeplien to hang. We chatted for a little bit, but my friend insisted on going home before midnight. When we got back to her house, at the very ideal setting on the canal out her front door, she told me that she really liked me...as a friend (how many times have you heard that crock?). She said she felt "too comfortable around me". Too comfortable to be more than friends? I feel like this isn't the first time this has happened, even though she is the first one to articulate it in this way. Maybe I am too comforting, too polite. Do I need to be more aggressive? More go-get-em? I dont freaking know. I kept pestering her that I may never see her again, and that we should try and hang out once more before I leave, but that was all before she said this. Not that I don't want to see her again, it is just not as awesome, haha. I really don't know why this keeps happening to me. Maybe I am too nice...haha I never ever thought I would be saying that. Oh. Freaking. Well.
Thursday, December 15th. Day 109
Dear lord, last night's concert was a total disaster. On the second tune, a ballad called More Love, the intro in 3/4 was too fast, the 5/4 bar was interrupted by the singer coming in too early, and somehow, Lord I don't know how, the time got all switched around to like a 6/8 thing. It never recovered. Oh man, it was a slow motion train-wreck for the whole tune. Nothing like that has ever happened to me, especially not in a public performance. Man, it was ugly!
Today I woke up nice and late, signed out a practice room, had lunch with a friend, and went to composition forum. Today our guest composer Fabio Nieder presented Stockhausen's Mantra. Well, he kind of just talked about music and music history and development in general, but he kind of tied it in at the very end. He seems like a super smart guy, nearly perfect pitch memory of so many great compositions, and really values tradition and learning from the past. Tomorrow I have a lesson with him at noon, and I am excited/anxious to see what he has to say about my mostly post-minimalist music, since he seems to be of the more post-war European atonality school. I believe they call it the Darmstraat school.
Anyway, other than that, I went souvenir shopping with a friend when I was supposed to be writing, so I have nothing to show for today as far as work on my duet is concerned. I did get some stuff for a few people, and a shirt for my sister, and some Christmas ornaments.
And now, at 8:12pm, I am yawning, listening to house music on my beats, waiting for something fun to happen. I have been blown off, well more politely turned down, by several people with offers to hang out/go out/etc. I know this is one of the last days in Amsterdam, but it seems like that doesn't concern most people as much as it concerns me. I mean, some of them had genuine excuses, such as a final that doesn’t start till 8, being sick, busy. I guess those are excuses not to party, I mean, I have never used any excuse to not hang out myself, haha. But a friend is supposed to come down and hang out in a bit. I don't know exactly what we're gonna do. She doesn't wanna go out, kuz she is lame/tired/too cold. But I am out of drinks and southpark episodes, haha. Oh well, I guess we'll find something to do. Heck, I can't even make food! I am so out of food! But I don't want to buy more kuz some of it will undoubtedly go to waste by the time I leave in less than a week. Guess I'll just have to live off of soup till then. Not that it's a particularly bad thing, since it is so darned cold and windy.
Today I woke up nice and late, signed out a practice room, had lunch with a friend, and went to composition forum. Today our guest composer Fabio Nieder presented Stockhausen's Mantra. Well, he kind of just talked about music and music history and development in general, but he kind of tied it in at the very end. He seems like a super smart guy, nearly perfect pitch memory of so many great compositions, and really values tradition and learning from the past. Tomorrow I have a lesson with him at noon, and I am excited/anxious to see what he has to say about my mostly post-minimalist music, since he seems to be of the more post-war European atonality school. I believe they call it the Darmstraat school.
Anyway, other than that, I went souvenir shopping with a friend when I was supposed to be writing, so I have nothing to show for today as far as work on my duet is concerned. I did get some stuff for a few people, and a shirt for my sister, and some Christmas ornaments.
And now, at 8:12pm, I am yawning, listening to house music on my beats, waiting for something fun to happen. I have been blown off, well more politely turned down, by several people with offers to hang out/go out/etc. I know this is one of the last days in Amsterdam, but it seems like that doesn't concern most people as much as it concerns me. I mean, some of them had genuine excuses, such as a final that doesn’t start till 8, being sick, busy. I guess those are excuses not to party, I mean, I have never used any excuse to not hang out myself, haha. But a friend is supposed to come down and hang out in a bit. I don't know exactly what we're gonna do. She doesn't wanna go out, kuz she is lame/tired/too cold. But I am out of drinks and southpark episodes, haha. Oh well, I guess we'll find something to do. Heck, I can't even make food! I am so out of food! But I don't want to buy more kuz some of it will undoubtedly go to waste by the time I leave in less than a week. Guess I'll just have to live off of soup till then. Not that it's a particularly bad thing, since it is so darned cold and windy.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Friday, December 9th (Day 103) to Wednesday, December 14th
Ok, trying not to fall behind as much on the blog, especially since I am leaving in a week. However, my memory seems to be failing me on what I have been doing. Either that, or I have not been doing much that is memorable, haha. Probably that.
Friday I had jazz combo rehearsal in the morning. It did not go very well. In fact, Berend, the director, actually started yelling at our bass player (not that he was the only one) and stormed out of rehearsal. Yea. Pretty bad. I really don't think other ensembles have this problem with a blatant lack of professionalism. I guess I just got lucky.
After that I did a little writing. Trying to finish that violin piece in time for my lesson with Andriessen. Every once in a while I have productive spurts, but Friday was not really one of them, if I remember correctly.
After classes and such, I hung out with a friend of mine, Shanti, for a few hours. We had dinner at her place and talked till like midnight. Nice gal. Fun stuff. Yup.
Saturday I went to the book store that my friend's aunt owns to help Shani pick out a book for her father for christmas. Unfortunately, Beth was not there so I did not get a chance to talk to her. I tried to do a bit of Christmas/souvenir shopping myself, but it was too darned cold and such. So, if memory serves me, I went back to my room and sulked for a while.
After sulking for a while, I went to a conservatorie party at an apartment building on Palmstraat. Apparently this group, or apartment, hosts a big party at the end of every semester. It was straight crazy. Nutz. So many people, in this little tiny space. At one point the cops came, but I was on the roof, and they never made it up there kuz there was too many people, so I didn't hear what it was about, haha.
Sunday was the complete opposite of that party. Alone, in my room, all day, depressed, trying not to be, reading, reflecting, that kind of thing. It came to a real head when I was trying to look back on my past two years of college and reflect on my growth and progress. All I could come up with is how disappointed in myself I would be if I saw me now as a high school senior. I have been almost totally discouraged away from professional music, I assume the worst in people, I don't trust anyone, and I don't even call myself a Christian anymore. What has happened to me? Where did it all go so wrong?!
That being said, one of the first things I did Monday was call home and get a referral to see a psychologist. No more trying to do this alone. Surprisingly, after admitting total defeat like that, I felt a lot better! I went to the library to score study and read up on Andriessen (a total boss, by the way), and then went to write. I think I made more progress on my piece Monday than any other day this semester on any other piece. It just flowed. When I said I can't handle my struggles alone, it sort of took down the mental blocks, or at least lowered them. Everything just seemed to work well for a while. It felt really good.
Later, as usual on Monday, was live electronics ensemble. It was our last scheduled rehearsal before our performance Monday, so everyone was kind of on edge to make sure everything was right. It really takes a lot of energy to improvise and pay attention for two hours. I always feel so beat after just one run-through. It will be a good performance, though. I am excited to see what happens, live, with electronics.
Tuesday started early with an "emergency" rehearsal of our jazz ensemble. It was scheduled to start at 10:30am, but we weren't even close. Not only did people show up late, as usual, but we had no room booked. So for almost an hour, we just hopped from room to room, continually getting kicked out by teachers and such. It was a very tense rehearsal once we did get started. It was quite clear that we were not prepared for our performance Wednesday.
Afterwards, I had my final lesson with Lucas on drumset. It was bittersweet, to say the least. He is a really great teacher, one of the best I have ever had in any subject. I know I am not to the level that he usually teaches, and he couldn't help showing me that one more time by giving me a polyrhythm exercise to remember him by, haha.
After that lesson was my last lesson with Jurre, my jazz composition teacher. Unfortunately, I did not have anything new to show him, so we just score-studied for the lesson. He is another great teacher, but in a very different way. He has a very different teaching style, almost like "lets figure this out together". We parted ways with him inviting me to audition for the masters in film music program. While I am not particularly interested in film, it would be a great way to really round out my skills as a composer. I would love to be that guy that can pick up the phone and accept any and every gig, no matter the style or whatever.
Also, Tuesday we had our "farewell dinner" with IES. It was at this nice Dutch restaurant near the ABC, I forget what it is called. I was yet again taked aback by how many people in our program I didnt know, between living in PHK and being a CvA student. Good food and good friends; I am going to miss it here a lot.
Wednesday, today, began with a rehearsal for our live electronics trio, a small group withen the live electronics class. It went pretty well, but it is kind of frustrating when the three people have one chance to combine their very different ideas of what the work should be. I pretty much just gave in. I can give them what they want, weather I want it or not.
Wrote a little bit more. Feeling pretty good about where this piece is headed. I am still having trouble really sitting down for an extended period of time and just writing, but I guess part of that is our limitation to book rooms in 1.5 hour slots only.
And last but not least, the concert. Oh dear Lord, the concert. At 5pm we had our call time for soundcheck, which we didnt make because people showed up late. So around six, we had time for like 3 half tunes. Which, wasnt enough. Come performance time (which wasn't for like 4 hours, since we performed last in a "singer festival"). First tune went off without a hitch. Then the second tune. More Love. I will never forget. 3/4 intro, a bar of 5/4, and then a 4/4 ballad. Intro was too fast, the singer came in early on the 5/4, and somehow everyone lost any time and beat. It was awful. To top it off, I couldn't get us back to 4. Like, a drummer's only job. Couldn't. Not to save my freaking life. Really really feel like that was the worst public performance of my life. The plus side is, it can't get any worse. I will never have a worse performance than I did tonight. Somehow that doesn't make me feel a lot better...
Friday I had jazz combo rehearsal in the morning. It did not go very well. In fact, Berend, the director, actually started yelling at our bass player (not that he was the only one) and stormed out of rehearsal. Yea. Pretty bad. I really don't think other ensembles have this problem with a blatant lack of professionalism. I guess I just got lucky.
After that I did a little writing. Trying to finish that violin piece in time for my lesson with Andriessen. Every once in a while I have productive spurts, but Friday was not really one of them, if I remember correctly.
After classes and such, I hung out with a friend of mine, Shanti, for a few hours. We had dinner at her place and talked till like midnight. Nice gal. Fun stuff. Yup.
Saturday I went to the book store that my friend's aunt owns to help Shani pick out a book for her father for christmas. Unfortunately, Beth was not there so I did not get a chance to talk to her. I tried to do a bit of Christmas/souvenir shopping myself, but it was too darned cold and such. So, if memory serves me, I went back to my room and sulked for a while.
After sulking for a while, I went to a conservatorie party at an apartment building on Palmstraat. Apparently this group, or apartment, hosts a big party at the end of every semester. It was straight crazy. Nutz. So many people, in this little tiny space. At one point the cops came, but I was on the roof, and they never made it up there kuz there was too many people, so I didn't hear what it was about, haha.
Sunday was the complete opposite of that party. Alone, in my room, all day, depressed, trying not to be, reading, reflecting, that kind of thing. It came to a real head when I was trying to look back on my past two years of college and reflect on my growth and progress. All I could come up with is how disappointed in myself I would be if I saw me now as a high school senior. I have been almost totally discouraged away from professional music, I assume the worst in people, I don't trust anyone, and I don't even call myself a Christian anymore. What has happened to me? Where did it all go so wrong?!
That being said, one of the first things I did Monday was call home and get a referral to see a psychologist. No more trying to do this alone. Surprisingly, after admitting total defeat like that, I felt a lot better! I went to the library to score study and read up on Andriessen (a total boss, by the way), and then went to write. I think I made more progress on my piece Monday than any other day this semester on any other piece. It just flowed. When I said I can't handle my struggles alone, it sort of took down the mental blocks, or at least lowered them. Everything just seemed to work well for a while. It felt really good.
Later, as usual on Monday, was live electronics ensemble. It was our last scheduled rehearsal before our performance Monday, so everyone was kind of on edge to make sure everything was right. It really takes a lot of energy to improvise and pay attention for two hours. I always feel so beat after just one run-through. It will be a good performance, though. I am excited to see what happens, live, with electronics.
Tuesday started early with an "emergency" rehearsal of our jazz ensemble. It was scheduled to start at 10:30am, but we weren't even close. Not only did people show up late, as usual, but we had no room booked. So for almost an hour, we just hopped from room to room, continually getting kicked out by teachers and such. It was a very tense rehearsal once we did get started. It was quite clear that we were not prepared for our performance Wednesday.
Afterwards, I had my final lesson with Lucas on drumset. It was bittersweet, to say the least. He is a really great teacher, one of the best I have ever had in any subject. I know I am not to the level that he usually teaches, and he couldn't help showing me that one more time by giving me a polyrhythm exercise to remember him by, haha.
After that lesson was my last lesson with Jurre, my jazz composition teacher. Unfortunately, I did not have anything new to show him, so we just score-studied for the lesson. He is another great teacher, but in a very different way. He has a very different teaching style, almost like "lets figure this out together". We parted ways with him inviting me to audition for the masters in film music program. While I am not particularly interested in film, it would be a great way to really round out my skills as a composer. I would love to be that guy that can pick up the phone and accept any and every gig, no matter the style or whatever.
Also, Tuesday we had our "farewell dinner" with IES. It was at this nice Dutch restaurant near the ABC, I forget what it is called. I was yet again taked aback by how many people in our program I didnt know, between living in PHK and being a CvA student. Good food and good friends; I am going to miss it here a lot.
Wednesday, today, began with a rehearsal for our live electronics trio, a small group withen the live electronics class. It went pretty well, but it is kind of frustrating when the three people have one chance to combine their very different ideas of what the work should be. I pretty much just gave in. I can give them what they want, weather I want it or not.
Wrote a little bit more. Feeling pretty good about where this piece is headed. I am still having trouble really sitting down for an extended period of time and just writing, but I guess part of that is our limitation to book rooms in 1.5 hour slots only.
And last but not least, the concert. Oh dear Lord, the concert. At 5pm we had our call time for soundcheck, which we didnt make because people showed up late. So around six, we had time for like 3 half tunes. Which, wasnt enough. Come performance time (which wasn't for like 4 hours, since we performed last in a "singer festival"). First tune went off without a hitch. Then the second tune. More Love. I will never forget. 3/4 intro, a bar of 5/4, and then a 4/4 ballad. Intro was too fast, the singer came in early on the 5/4, and somehow everyone lost any time and beat. It was awful. To top it off, I couldn't get us back to 4. Like, a drummer's only job. Couldn't. Not to save my freaking life. Really really feel like that was the worst public performance of my life. The plus side is, it can't get any worse. I will never have a worse performance than I did tonight. Somehow that doesn't make me feel a lot better...
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Thursday, December 8th. Day 102
Well, I didn't finish my piece for my lesson today. But I guess in the end, it didn't really matter. As soon as my composition professor came in the room for my lesson, he knew something was wrong. It didn't take long before I totally lost it. I just couldn't hold in the sadness any longer, and I let it all out in front of him. It didn't feel good, at least not at the time.
We dug pretty deep into my psyche, as one might expect after an episode like that. We examined things like success, social interaction, work ethic, drive, motivation, support networks, family, music, love, the whole gamut. Let's start with success: I define success as being THE best at something. Not good, not great, not having fun, not making a living. Being number freaking one. After some creative questioning, Mr. Bons was able to catch me saying "if some all-knowing person were to tell me that I couldn't be the best composer in the world, I would quit right now". And, "If that person were to tell me I couldn't be the best banker/investor/trader in the world, I would stop chasing that too! But if he were to say I was to be the worlds "best" paleontologist specializing in fossilized bird crap, I would jump at the opportunity to be "the best" at something." Ladies and gentlemen, that is not good. That is down-right unhealthy, not to mention unrealistic.
Socially...well, I don't have much of that, or at least I don't feel like I do. And that is an important distinction I have to make: weather or not anything I believe is true, I believe it, so the damage is done. That being said, for whatever reason, I "feel" like I have no friends, at least not here, and not in the capacity that I feel like I can go to them for support on a needed basis. And some of those back home that I really thought were my friends, seem to be less so now that I have been gone. I guess I can't blame them, I mean we are all growing, and now in more different ways than ever since I am half way across the freaking world. But I actually got a few messages from people asking me to help them with something, or for a favor, and I replied "well I can't because I'm in Amsterdam...". To which they would reply, "oh really? I didn't even notice you were gone!" REALLY? Are you freaking kidding me? And to think, at one time, I would have considered you a close friend. Forget about THAT!
Take all of this with a grain of salt, however, because I (or we, I should say. My professor/confidants and I) have discovered that I tend to paint a much more colorful picture of what people say to me or think of me than is actually true. I can't take a compliment. Ever. If you say something nice to me, weather I know it or admit it or not, I will be thinking "why is this person lying to my face? Do they want something from me? Do they think I am that nieve to believe that crock?" So, while I say I have a pretty inflated ego, I actually have pretty low self-esteem, and an even lower sense of self-worth, but more on that later. For example, I believed that one of my band-mates in my jazz ensemble sent me a very distasteful message about how much they wished I would not play with them, and now that I had broken my foot, they could finally replace me. I told this to my drum teacher on Tuesday, and he, wisely, asked "let me see that email". So I showed him. To him, the message was nothing more than genuine concern for my well being. This person did not want me to have to play on a broken foot, and was letting me know that they would be able to find a replacement if I thought it would be too much stress on my foot. What a genuinely nice gesture. I totally missed it. I took a brief look at the message when it arrived, and decided that it was nothing but back-handed, sarcastic, hurtful, spiteful, vengeful manipulation of a situation to their favor. Hmm. Maybe they really care? I would have never thought that in a million years.
But why do I put my guard up so high? Have I been hurt in the past? Have I been constantly lied to as a child? Is there something in my history that explains why I can't seem to trust people, be it in complementing me, or looking out for me? I think it is interesting that just about anyone I have met seems to think I will "be successful". Many people, mostly my family, brush it off like "success", in whatever capacity, will come easily. Like, "oh but we don't have to worry about you, we always knew you were going to be the best!". Ok, so, they mean well, I know they do. But that feels like a ton of bricks is being heaped on my shoulders, like I have an added external pressure to "succeed" because others seem to think I will, or think that it will come easy for me, or even just have confidence that I will figure it out. How did I manage to turn that around? Maybe I am lacking in genuine human contact? I mean, I know I am at the moment, but have I been as a rule? Like, chronically? I don't like to open myself up to people, for fear of being hurt? Have I been hurt in the past? I really don't think so, but I have this view that everyone is evil, out for their own good, and will seize the opportunity to crush you, even if you are not in their way. Could it be that this comes from my infatuation with the study of economics, and the thought of the "rational thinker" in a market economy? Greed is good? That kind of thing? I think this goes back farther than that, but I am sure it doesn't help me today.
Work ethic, drive, and motivation. It is clear that I am a very sensitive person, and I have that primal need to create, or at least be creative. I do like music, and I do like contemporary music, or art music, or academic music; whatever you want to call it. But I get stuck on these big, big, macro-picture questions of style, worth, social purpose, and "success". And it deadlocks me. It absolutely grinds me to a halt! Even with taking baby steps in a piece, or practicing a hand exercise on set; I can't do it. I keep asking "why?" "What does it mean?" "What's the use?!" Truly destructive. Especially when you combine that with the aforementioned character traits I display. It is very, very possible that I, very creatively, I might add, use this facade of being concerned about the "big picture" stuff to cover up some real serious laziness. Or at least to hide the genuine difficulty I experience in writing music. Thats not cool either. If I found out someone else was doing something like that, I would call them out hard-core. I can't stand laziness, perhaps because I am so...
Well...thats about all I got for now (and not because I am lazy!). I just, I can't think about this crap anymore tonight.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Saturday, Nov. 26th (day 90) - Wednesday, Dec. 7th (day 101)
I did it again, I waited way too long to write. And this time I am really struggling to remember what I did in the past week; it all seems like such a blur.
I guess I can sum it all up with very general swaths of information: I broke my foot (or rather, I found out that it is for sure broken), wrote another jazz tune, started a new piece (for a friend: solo violin, djembe, and dance), and went to Milan with my family.
I guess that's really the most notable piece of information I can expand upon: Milan. Thursday, Dec. 1st, I flew from Schiphol to Milan, where my parents were staying because of David's business there. It was quite fun, actually! Stayed in a nice hotel (the Carlton Hotel Baglioni), ate at 5 star restaurants every night, did some shopping in the fashion district, saw a few cathedrals, museums, Leanardo's Last Supper, and even went clubbing with some A-list runway models (at Just Cavali, Hollywood). All in true baller fashion, of course! Really not good for me, at least with regards to my ever-present career/soul search: David does a great job of showing me what money can buy, and how awesome it is to have a lot of it! Haha...but seriously. You'll never see a composer flying his family first class to Italy for a long weekend of shopping and clubbing. Neva!
Back at school, it is nose to the grindstone time! Last two weeks here! (not that I have any finals, but I do want to finish this piece before I leave, and I have a few performances.) It has been a real roller-coaster so far this week. My drumset lesson was not much of a lesson, in the conventional sense. It was me not playing and my drum teacher talking about life, career, family, love, dogs, socializing, and day trading. By the end of the conversation, he was all but encouraging me to drop out and day trade my way to a million dollars (easier said than done). Today made that even worse, with our "reentry meeting"; a core meeting put on by IES to try and help us become functional Americans again. They asked us to look at what we had accomplished here vs. what we aimed to accomplish when we first arrived. I was rather depressed to find that the only thing I really wanted was to really solidify my major/career choice, so I could come back to the states totally focused and ready to hammer out the last few semesters. But I did not accomplish this, at all. In fact, I am more confused than ever. I know I put too much emphasis on this, and I would be better suited to just finish my program and find happiness with friends and family. But I just can't seem to, I feel like I need to love what I do everyday; but does anybody? I'm not sure, but I know I need to straighten up and either become the musician I need to be at this stage, or give up the ghost and get serious in something else. I feel like such a shell of a person, like I don't amount to anything. I have nothing to show for my college career, let alone my time abroad. Even still, I have a feeling that if I were to appear as I am now to my high school senior self, I wouldn't even recognize myself, and what a total mess I have become...see what I mean?!
Anyway, I am going to try and cool down so I can do some more work on this piece for my last ever lesson with the great Joel Bons tomorrow. It is truly hard to believe. I will be well suited to be centered and ready to learn from him tomorrow; turn off the mental blocks and be ready to absorb what he has to offer. Easier said than done? Yes. But this is my last chance...
Friday, November 25, 2011
Sunday, Nov. 20th (day 84) to Friday Nov. 25th (day 89).
So, Saturday night (after writing my last blog post), I went to the Bimhuis to see the Clazz ensemble play the music of Louis Andriessen. At intermission, I decided that I needed to introduce myself to the man himself. It turned out to be quite a good idea, as Mr. Andriessen asked me to contact him regarding a lesson and talk. I am way understating this when I say, holy crap, this is exactly why I came to Holland over anywhere else.
Sunday, I went to school to practice and write some jazz stuff. I tried to finish my latest chart (soon after named "Out of the Blue", but more on that later). It feels good to do work on a weekend and I felt quite accomplished (no doubt fueled by the amazing concert and meeting the night before).
Monday was much the same, spending the better part of the day at school writing and practicing (with a few hours in there for a MaxMSP intro course), only to return at 7:30pm for Live Electronics. What a total waste of time. About an hour and a half into the two hour lesson, the teacher finally decides that we should do something. So after taking more than half an hour just to set up and show him, we had to pack up and leave. What a mess. In any event, we are just about ready to start making music, someday.
Tuesday was a mix of a day if I had ever seen one. Starting with writing (for my jazz lesson that day), I went to Dok where a vocal teacher was speaking on the transition from student to professional. She had a very interesting story, spanning an early indecision, a late start in school, a near death experience that forced her to review her priorities (away from auditioning and towards being stress-free and creative), where she now directs a children's opera company, gives voice lessons, and teaches at CvA. She asked us to really review our priorities, what we really want out of life, and go for it. It related very closely to the week before, with the bass-clarinet teacher's speech, as well as this book I read a while ago called "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill. She shared concepts of desire, visualization, subconsciousness, etc. She also turned me onto this great documentary called "the Up Series", a British documentary that followed a group of about 20 kids from age 7, every 7 years, starting in 1964. It is just so refreshing to see this kids, and basically watch them grow up and confront life. Some "do well", others totally fall out. I am on episode 4 now (age 28), so I can't say just yet how everything turns out.
After Dok was my drumset lesson. It was a little more rough that usual, with the lesson starting with a discussion about grades (I had politely articulated that I needed grades on a 4-point system, instead of a 10, and to grade gently as my financial aid can be negatively affected by grads). So this spurred a conversation on my growth, especially compared to other students at the Conservatorium. In that oh-so-Dutch way, my teacher told me flat out that he has never actually had a student as bad as me. At this school, he would have never let me in the front door. He tried to backpedal a bit talking about the differences in the systems in America and Europe, the financial situation of a state supported institution that charges all students well below cost, and how that makes competition more fierce (more or less claiming that the American system, especially at non-conservatorie schools, was a very expensive conveyer belt. I would tend to agree, especially after such a great Dok class; something that we would NEVER have in the States). Anyway, not the recipe for high self-esteem.
Totally contrary to the above, my jazz comp lesson was amazing (although I have a different definition of "amazing lesson" than most, I have found out). I brought my new piece, a sort of Weather Report ballad, to the lesson. Not much was said, just my prof playing the piece over and over again, making a few corrections to some little mistakes and such. At the end, he turns to me and expresses great excitement and enjoyment in the piece and my progress. He even went so far to say that he wanted a copy of the lead-sheet and permission to arrange it for his big-band. Um, yes? This is where I differ from most music students: I like being recognized, praised, reinforced. Most "musicians" get really exited when a teacher publicly wrecks them, giving them a huge pile to work on, and much opportunity for improvement. Not me. I just want to be good, now. Even if it's not true, it sure feels good (at least at the time) to be recognized for what you do. I think positive reinforcement is underestimated here, while negative reinforcement is underestimated in the states.
Wednesday, our trio (voice, violin, and set) met for our first live-electronics rehearsal. It must have been more than four hours long. Totally crazy. We had some good moments, in-between the ever-present technical difficulties. It is rather challenging to improvise something that doesn't just end up being "etherial gesture based slow, brooding music". But we're working on it.
Thursday was pretty routine (practicing/writing for much of the day), with Forum being my only class. This week, Bernard Lang presented for the second time. I really, really enjoyed it. Much more than last week. He talked about his most recent projects, incorporating dance that imitates the "jittering" of experimental film derived from granular analysis. His most recent work was a giant installation, in a factory, of 12 dancers on brass plates that were hooked up to player pianos. Geez, it was just massive! And it took years to create, rehearse, choreograph, build the instruments, memorize the hour+ long piece, etc. I asked Mr. Lang after the presentation, how this was possible? As a German living in Vienna, he said it was quite easy to get funding for large projects, in the form of 5 year grants from the government. With a simple proposal, you can get enough money to live for 5 years (let alone expenses, paying performers, the rehearsal space, all that) with the simple wave of a pen. Total madness; no wonder we don't have many hugely ambitious art installations like that in the States, there just isn't any money for it. That poses the question (for someone like me that fancy's themselves an economist), why is this the case? and What can we do to change it? In my opinion, I think it is a simple lack of demand. But with a lack of demand comes an eventual lack of supply, to reach equilibrium. However, it is sort of a chicken-and-the-egg argument. We need some big spending to get the stuff out there, to really show the consumer what this is, in a very Steve Jobs sort of way, telling them what they want, even though they don't know it.
Thursday night I went to the Thanksgiving dinner put on by the American Book Center. It was a nice time with pretty good food, even though it was just I and one other student there with the IES Staff. It was a little distressing seeing how many Americans there were so typical, in that they were loud and rude and had very vocal opinions founded on belief rather than fact. I literally asked the IES staff if I had to go home, because I couldn't stand being surrounded by people like that for the rest of my life.
Friday (today), I had trio rehearsal (which was pretty rough, considering we perform in like 2 weeks), and a comp lesson. At the lesson I showed my most recent composition (or at least the beginnings of it); a commission from a friend violinist for violin, djembe and dance. While I was very excited about the piece, my teacher was quick to bring my back down to earth, telling me how much more there was to do, and the shortcomings that were already present. I don't want to make excuses, but I feel like I have a pretty good concept of where the piece is going, and he has to judge me based on what I have written, which was less than a minute of music. I guess I will just have to crank and show him what I can do. Thats all there is to that.
A rather interesting side-story. Very late Wednesday night, my phone rang. I didn't answer it for the obvious reason that it was after 11pm and a blocked number. I listened to the voicemail only to find out that it was someone calling "on behalf of Jim Cramer" with a "very exciting opportunity". Naturally, I thought this was regarding my recent application to work with Jim Cramer. I mean, what else could it be? So I got out of bed and called back right away, waiting on hold for hours. Nothing. So I called back today, and got a sales person saying they knew nothing of any application but would like to offer me a discount on the premium subscription to Action Alerts Plus. I feel totally had. Totally taked advantage of. The only reason they had my cell number is because I put it on the application, and they discard it but keep my on file for cold-calling? I can't believe it. I still don't know what to think about the whole thing, outside of being very embarrassed by assuming anything. I guess that is the reality of the business; people aren't people in the banking business, they are just potential clients, potential profits. Nothing more. On one hand I kind of like that; you are judged objectively by what you make. Your numbers say it all. It doesn't matter where you went to school, what your religion is, what you drive...just what you make. If you can offer consistant returns, be it in sales or commission or trading, you're golden. Paid a king's ransom. But it IS very inhumane. Very distant from what most people believe to be fair, or just. Still much thinking to do, but this episode puts me even farther behind in my own decisions.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
I am so ridiculously behind it isn't even funny anymore.
Ok so, I HAVE been keeping track of what I have been doing with the full intention of updating the blog, every day missed, at some point. With there now being 12 days between my last post and today, I need to just wipe the slate clean. I will try to capture all of the important stuff that has happened since Friday, November 4th, day 68 to today, Saturday November 19th, day 83.
Most notably, the weekend of the 5th I was in Berlin. It was sort of a last minute, "I need to go somewhere now" decision, and since I had a Friday lesson instead of a Thursday one, I couldn't leave until Saturday morning, making it one whirlwind of a trip! So, Berlin: for starters, it is huge! Looking at the map, I decided that my hostel was close enough to the train station to walk and see a bit of the city. After walking for well over an hour and getting less than halfway there, I decided that I should have looked at the SCALE of the map first. So I made quick work of Berlin's famously efficient and clean public transport system to get to my hostel, called "Raise a Smile". It was not my choice to stay in this particular hostel, but it turned out to be pretty cool nonetheless. Unlike most hostels I've stayed in so far, this was merely a big flat in an apartment complex. The hostel was part of a non-profit collective that was raising money for some African village or something, but it was a great place nonetheless. Very friendly people working and staying there.
Some of Berlin's highlights that I managed to see on my less -than-36 hours there include the East Side Gallery, the Brandenburg Gate (named after the concerto I presume, however spelled incorrectly), the Tiergarden (my favorite part), and the outside of the Jewish Museum and some big government building (hey, I told you it was quick!). I also attended half of an opera, Dvorak's Rusalka (and I do mean half, I walked out of that terrible mess of a performance), put on by the Berlin Comic Opera company. First "professional" opera production, and probably my last (excluding 20th century that is).
Compared to Berlin, the rest of the week was fairly uneventful. The usual classes (half of which got canceled), lessons, practicing, writing. On Friday I went to a Dutch National football game vs. Switzerland. That was exciting, except for the fact that it was a friendly, and no goals were scored on either side (but that happens with good teams).
Over the weekend, not only did I manage to practice (on the weekend, that is a huge accomplishment for me!), but I also finished 2.5 jazz pieces and almost finished my piano piece! I'm telling you, this book that I keep talking about, Effortless Mastery, has just totally altered how I approach creating and studying music (but more on that later, if not another post).
That positive energy that I have allowed to flow through me in the recent past has manifested itself in my lessons as well. On Tuesday I had both my drumset and my jazz comp lessons; both of which qualify for the best lessons I have ever ever had (as far as my performance and preparedness goes). My drum teacher actually made me feel like a real human, and even more, a musician! He openly noticed that something had recently changed in my whole aura, and it showed in my playing (winning!). Jazz comp was nearly the same, with the prof. complementing my music and actually sitting up and really getting into my work. As if I was actually making music, for once.
Combine that with the crazy positive energy Erik van Deuren, a teacher at the Conservatorium and guest speaker in my Dok class, instilled upon us that same day, and you have a potent combination. He talked a lot about dreaming big, why do we play?, working with the next generation, recognizing that the performing arts world is shifting faster and more radically than most realize (and of course, how to capitalize on that). It was a very emotional class, at least for me, hearing how this man was able to create something like 25 brand new ensembles and have their existence totally subsidized by random Dutch companies that have nothing to do with music, out of the goodness of their hearts (?). When I approached him after class and asked him how these capitalist, self-preserving companies would give two shakes about music, let alone paying for the salaries of an ensembles worth of musicians for 10 years! He didn't really give me a satisfactory answer, instead quoting Kennedy and eluding to the importance of corporate research before making a proposition.
On Wednesday, I finished my piece (well, finished "composing" it), and went to see a sketch comedy show about social media at the Boom Chicago Social Club. It was a very good time, and actually pretty funny.
Thursday, at comp forum we had a guest lecture from Bernhard Lang, a modern composer that works with the musical concepts of "mashups" and DJing, using granular analysis and synthesis. While I am not usually one to favor process art, I was really into this and I will need to follow up on him more. Later I saw the Fred Hersch Trio live at the Bimhuis (first time I've been there...yea I know, sad), but not before twisting my ankle/breaking a bone in my foot (not sure which one yet, I need to get it examined one of these days).
Friday was a very weird day; I hobbled (literally) to my jazz trio ensemble rehearsal, which ended up being canceled (even though no one told me!). So I stayed around the conservatory and practiced for a few hours waiting for my composition lesson, which was already pushed back from Thursday. After being pushed back for another hour, I was very excited to meet my teacher and tell him about my finished piece and the great week that I was having and how excited I was to love music again....but to no avail. I'm still not sure exactly what it was, if he was in a bad mood or what, I mean I know he can always see right through me, so maybe he was calling a bluff I didn't even know I was making, but it just did not go well. After he told me that my piece was finished the week before (after I explained the ending, of course), he did a 180 and told me it was all wrong. All wrong. After we talked through that for a good half hour, he asked me what I was going to start next. I, boldly, said "You tell me. I am going to come to the Conservatorium van Amsterdam for my Masters degree, so what do you want to see in my portfolio? I will write that next." He did not take that quite as well as I thought he would have. After hemming and hawing for a few minutes, he replied "What I look for in a masters candidate is usually more...talent?" He followed that shocker with some statements about preliminary students having a more prolific portfolio that I would have in two years, and saying that my pace at Redlands would never prepare me in time. Furious, first of all because he has never seen my portfolio (you may remember the nonsense about me being confused as a jazz major, and my portfolio never being reviewed by the classical department), and second of all because I was seeking some sort of confirmation about the huge turn-around I felt I had made. He had helped me through so much mental anguish in the last few months, insisting that there was something in me that wanted to do this for real. And now that I was at the point where I was ready to put my whole life in this game, he dismisses it like some sort of prank. I am still very very aggravated by this, and can not help but think there must be something I missed.
Since then, this being Saturday, the 19th, just before going to the Bimhuis to see Andriessen's Clazz ensemble, I have done pretty much nothing outside of eating and moping. I really hope I manage though this little road block, as it took a lot for me to bring myself to this point, especially after having "figured myself out" in a completely different direction just weeks before. Maybe thats it, maybe it hasn't had time to fully sink in and I am not thinking clearly. I don't know, but I feel like crap about it.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Thursday, November 3rd. Day 67.
Today was finally the day of the New Music Arena, for which I was partly responsible for organizing. The New Music Arena is a monthly concert put on by the composition department to showcase CvA composers and their latest works. As an organizer, I was responsible for selecting pieces, programming, rehearsing, sound-checking, and generally putting on the concert. Despite the fact that I relied on my fellow organizers to do far more of the prep work than I, it was great practice for an activity that professional composers will no doubt face in the future.
During the actual performance, I was responsible for stage directions and lights. In my totally bias opinion, I think the whole concert went really well. All the pieces were really great, all the performers did well, and there were no train wrecks (other than the piano tech coming in during the rehearsal of an extended-technique piano piece, which had to be scrapped).
After the concert was composition forum class, where we discussed the concert. I think the students were all very receptive and supportive of what was widely considered an "unconventional" program. There were three pieces that were more "pop" than they were "classical", written and performed by classical composition students. I was afraid they would be ridiculed for being "in the wrong program" or writing "inferior music". However, this was not the case at all. I was happy to see that the students and professors were supportive and not hypocritical with regards to their self expressed acceptance record.
Later, a few of us met at a really sketchy boat restaurant to talk and get to know each other a little better. To top off the fun, we later moved to someone's apartment to house-party it up and eat some home-made pasta (made by a real-life Italian!). Needless to say, it was one of the better days I have ever had, and just one day after my RoS experience.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Wednesday, November 2nd. Day 66.
What a day! Possibly the best day ever. Possibly...
First off, Wednesday is my no-class day, so that is always a great start. After a rather late wake-up, I went to our third IES core meeting, where we supposedly talk about our learning experiences in Amsterdam thus far. As usual, the conversation got derailed rather quickly, but at least it was short. Interestingly, we talked about our next core meeting, which will be centered on "re-entry" and "reverse culture-shock". Since I don't recall experiencing any culture shock once arriving here, I have a hard time believing that I will experience reverse culture-shock.
On the way home, I made a quick stop at the grocery store; a much needed errand that ended up costing me about twice as much as it usually does. Hey, I was hungry!
In the evening, I had the great pleasure of seeing the Royal Concertgebouw perform Stravinsky's Rite of Spring with my Dutch friend Mathilde. Such a great piece, and a near flawless performance, and great company. I cannot stress enough how amazing it was; this was my first, and probably favorite, Stravinsky work. And live? Live. Played by the best orchestra in the Netherlands. Stunning.
After the performance, a few of us walked around and got some patats. I tell you, there is no better end to a night than some friets with joppie sause from Chipsy King. Perfect end to a perfect night.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Tuesday, September 1st. Day 65.
Today started with Dok, my music business class. We had a tax consultant come and talk to us about taxation and tax rebates in the Netherlands. While few of us in the class have definite plans to live and work in the Netherlands after school, it was very interesting to hear about tax policies and accounting with relation to musicians. Apparently, people like this gentleman make a whole career out of helping musicians, actors, and artists make the most of their money. I found that little fact the most interesting aspect of the day's lecture.
After Dok I had drumset lessons. While it is always exhausting to focus on minute musical details for a whole hour, I can tell that I am progressing, albeit very slowly. I am only a few chapters into my Effortless Mastery book, I think it will help me relax and let go of my mental blocks. But that will take some time.
Later, I had jazz arranging. That lesson is probably my most mentally taxing, just because I have to put up with my teacher, who is not much of a teacher at all. He is very good at what he does, however he is NOT good at communicating any of his knowledge. I practically have to interrogate him to get any useful information, which is frustrating because I know he knows what he is doing, since most of the time he just jams on the tunes I bring to him.
For dinner I went to the Kantjil Indonesian resturant with a big group from IES. It was very interesting food, to say the least. It was also very nice to see some of the "normal" (meaning non-conservatorie) students that I haven't seen in months.
After dinner, our group went to the Concertgebouw to see Shostakovich 1st cello concerto and Saint-Saens' Organ Symphony. The performance was actually not that great; you could tell the orchestra was tired (apparently they had just played an opera for a week straight before this show). I thought the cellist had a very bright tone, yet it did not cut through the orchestra at all. It was like watching her pretend to play. Also, many of the "normal" students were quite obviously not used to going to classical performances, and were taking flash pictures with their phones and talking through the pieces... annoying.
Monday, October 31. Day 65.
As usual, Monday came all too early. I tired to offset the awfulness of Monday by doing things completely unrelated to school, as my only class did not start until 7:30pm. I had been neglecting to pick up my (new) residency permit for some weeks, so I decided that today was a good day to do that. The Immigration and Naturalization office is not really in Amsterdam, however. Well, it is technically, but it is like and hour bike ride outside of the city, so I had to take a train. Naturally, my chip-card did not have enough money on it, so I had to top it up, but of course none of the machines take cash or American credit cards. So I had to stand in a ridiculous line to put 10euro on my silly little card, and board a train for all of a 5 minute ride. Once at the IND, I had to put up a bit of a fight to convince the workers that I had a residency permit, on which THEY printed my name incorrectly, and THEY told ME to pick up the FREE replacement. Arg, bureaucracy...
Next I went down to Vondelpark to my friend's -aunt's bookstore to pick up my ordered copy of Effortless Mastery. Unfortunately, since the book is a "textbook", it was rather expensive.
After that, I came back to my room to book my flight to Milan. In December, instead of my parents visiting me in Amsterdam, we are all going to Milan (which I am more than fine with). Next I went to school to practice a bit before my live electronics class. Practicing is always such a battle with me, however, my new book is supposed to help me with that, aiding me in becoming an "effortless master". We'll see, haha.
Live electronics. Oh how I loath thee. Really, it is like the fourth week of this class, and we have yet to play anything (and it is supposedly a performance class). Admittedly, I would probably not like it any more if we were playing, as I am more interested in the compositional/technical side of electronic music, but my schedule has been set in stone for many weeks and it is too late to make any changes. Anyway, we are still dealing with meaningless computer issues, mostly incompatibility with windows computers, and I am really getting tired of it. Maybe some day it will be less miserable, but for now I am just trying to get through each class.
Oct. 30th, Day 64.
Today was the last day my friend from Paris are in Amsterdam. We all (or I at least) slept in rather late, and we met up in the afternoon and did some shopping and such. For dinner we went to a pannekoeken restaurant, and I had a chicken pizza pancake, which was actually pretty darn delicious. Of couse, we finished the day with patats, as ever good day should end. After they left, I went back to my room to rest and do some reading before the week stared.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Saturday, October 29th. Day 63.
Beginning with a leisurely start, I once again met my friends from Paris to be their designated tour guide in Amsterdam. First thing was first, if you're going to visit Amsterdam, you're going to need a bike. So we went to Leitzepleijn to get them hooked up. Next we went to the Van Gogh Museum. Despite the fact that I had already been to this particular museum, it was still amazing. I mean, how can you really beat Van Gogh? After that, we wen't across the street to the House of Bols museum.
After nearly half a day of museum-ing, we needed to refill! Naturally, we went for the most delicious of Dutch snacks, patats! And what better place to buy patats than Chispy King? Oh so good. After another brief stop, we went back to my apartment to research a good place for dinner. We decided on an Italian food joint just south of NieuwmarktSquare called San Diego. We thought it was quite humorous that we were eating Italian food in the Netherlands at a joint called San Diego. After dinner, we did some more walking around, eventually in search of coffee/ice cream/something. Follow that with more wandering/biking around Amsterdam, and you have yourself one successful evening.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Friday, October 28th. Day 62.
Isn't there a song by some whiney teenager about friday? Anyway, I digress. Today was a most spectacular day indeed! A much needed refreshment! Beginning (far too early) with my jazz vocal trio (that is now a quartet), we actually made some good music and had some good fun doing it (right?). The pinnacle of the rehearsal was when we were getting lectured on playing together, and the director looks at me and says "what's the problem? what do you hear?". I carefully explained that since I and the bass player were both listening so intently to each other, one of us would make a change in the rhythmic pattern organization, and the other would follow. This lead to a sort of one-legged hopping around any semblance of a good feel. The director leaped from his chair and shouted "YES! That is exactly right! Stop listening! Do not listen!". Words I would have never expected to hear, as I nothing short of pride myself on my ability to listen intently (and therefore play off of) the other musicians in the ensemble; even more so in small group jazz such as this. To prove his point, the director even took the whole ensemble outside to demonstrate, by marching, the difficulty of acting in sync with one-another while paying too much attention to the other person. While I understand the principle, I think he was taking it to the extreme for educational purposes, but he got his point across.
After that whirlwind of a rehearsal, I returned to my room to finish engraving the changes I had made to my piano piece. While doing so, I actually managed to compose a few more bars (at the computer, no less) and shore-up some transitions. I was actually feeling pretty good about the piece, which has not only not happened yet with this piece, but it rarely happens to me at all. If you reading this have known me for very long or have been reading this blog for more than 3 posts, you will know that this is very unusual, and causes much confusion with regards to my "what should I do with my life (professionally, and otherwise) soul-search".
Anyhow, I felt very good bringing this piece into my composition lesson. As it had been some three weeks since my last lesson (and that was a very rocky lesson, to say the least), Prof. Bons was very interested to see how I was doing, however less interested in the actual music (at least a first). I told him about my meditation, my trip to London and Paris, and my personal progress in deciding my future. However, this was all complicated by the recent progress I was making in composition and the "fun", albiet it once lost, was beginning to come back. That being said, we came to the conclusion that it might be BECAUSE of my new-found peace in pursuing finance and economics that I allowed myself to have fun, thereby making it less of a "job". This actually coincides perfectly with my decision to abandon my large ensemble piece (which I would need to apply to grad school) in favor of (another) piano piece. When we looked at the piece, it was very fun to see a professional composer analyze my piece right in front of me, telling me what was working and why (despite it all being largely subconscious). All in all I was just tickled to death, and very excited to continue the work on my piece.
However, I would not be working on it anytime soon, as one of my best friends from Redlands was coming to visit Amsterdam! After the lesson, I called my friend, and made plans for dinner. I had the brilliant idea to take the three ladies from France to MKZ, a local vegan co-op that served food three nights a week at 5euro a plate. I had never been there, so I had no idea what to expect, and it was probably ill-advised to take my guests to such an unconventional, wash-your-own-dishes kind of place. I think it turned out pretty well, and I had a lot of fun (I'm not sure if everyone else did, I mean they said they did, but they might have just said that to avoid hurting my feelings). In the theme of halloween, all three courses featured pumpkin: pumpkin soup, roasted pumpkin, and some sort of candied pumpkin fruit cobbler for desert. Nothing short of phenomenal, and all for 5euro!
Afterwards, I took the ladies to Dam Square and the Red Light District, two of our only real tourist attractions we have in Amsterdam (at least compared to Paris, where they live, with the Eiffel tower and the Notre Dame). After some more wandering, we sat at a cafe and talked for a good long while. However, the ladies wanted to turn in pretty early, as the night before they were on a bus and were unable to sleep much. All is well, as we have quite an adventure planned for tomorrow!
Thursday, Oct. 27th. Day 61.
A most laid-back of Thursdays. No class till 2pm, casual practicing/writing and stuff around the apartment. Class was pretty interesting, two Brazilian composers presented their electro-acoustic work. Through the long discussions and listening to only snippets of Stockhausen-inspired synthesized sounds, I was very much in one of my "this is so not for me" moods. Of course, these thoughts were interrupted by playful inside jokes that only a trained musician would understand, thereby making me feel evermore apart of this subset of society. Much confusion, as usual.
Later, a few of us went to my friends apartment for dinner. Fried eggplant and pasta with a cream-less-mushroom-cream-sause. Good times, however interrupted by a skype call from his friends back home. Nonetheless, much needed good food and social interaction.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, Oct. 26th. Day 60.
Day off day off! Woo hoo!...well, sort of. I tried to write and practice, with little avail. I just...I just had one of those days where I hate music. I can't quite explain it, but there was little, if anything, that could be done to get me motivated, inspired, or encouraged to write. This was probably compounded by the pressure to register for classes for next semester soon, and the decisions that come along with it (think, "will I go to grad school? should I take the GRE, do I have time for a job?") Long term, macro picture stuff, things that may either be totally out of my scope of control or ability to understand, but that is my specialty. I worry just for the sake of worrying. And it is taking a toll. Something's got to give, and I think I know what.
Tuesday, October 25th. Day 59.
A stark contrast to my success and productivity yesterday, today was not so good. Out of three classes/lessons, I only had one of them come to fruition. Dok, my music business class, went really well, however. For the second week in a row, we had a gentleman speak to us about marketing in music, a field that I, at least at this time, find far more interesting than actual music. The pinnacle of his presentation was a brief introduction to the "experience economy", as theorized by two American economists, Joseph Pine II and James Gilmore, in the Harvard Business Review in July of 1998. In this paper, Pine and Gilmore theorized that the economy would experience a fundamental shift in "what" was going to be bought and sold on a grand scale in the coming century. The speak about the evolution from commodities, to goods, to services, and finally to experiences (speaking of end users, that is). They claim that people are far more willing to shell out money for "experiences", with the goods and services thrown in, such as a memorable trip to Chuck-e-Cheese for a birthday, with a cake (the good) thrown in for free. With regards to marketing in music, the theory is that we, as performers and composers, need to find ways to integrate our art into experiences that will have far more economic clout in the future. Very very interesting stuff.
After this class, however, the day went rather south. My drum teacher didn't show up to my drum lesson, and my jazz teacher claimed to have changed our lesson time, so he refused to let me in the door saying I was late. Sheesh. What a lousy end to a decent day.
Monday, October 24th. Day 58.
While my first class wasn't until 7:30pm, I was actually able to get a lot done today. Mostly in the realm of composing, specifically on my jazz pieces for my Tuesday. For the first time in a long time, I was able to write for almost three hours today (not straight, of course, because of the 1.5 hour limit on practice room reservations, but a victory nonetheless).
Now my class, intro to live electronic music, was not all that great. For the third class in a row, we are still trying to get everyone's computers working with the programs and the patches. I know it is not easy, but comeon people! If there is one more class where nothing musical is discussed or made, I will drop out (even though that is far from an option, I am just tired of wasting time).
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Saturday, October 22nd- Sunday, October 23rd. Days 56-57. Amsterdam
Good to be back. Pretty relaxed weekend, chores, casual socializing, grocery shopping, etc. I did go on a very informal first date with an attractive Dutch composition student. That was fun (and much needed, haha). We mostly talked about social politics and economics, and the differences between the Dutch and American systems. That was more than fine with me, but not what I usually talk with other musicians about. Truth be told, I think those kinds of exchanges are what make studying abroad so eye-opening. Getting the first-hand story about life in a different culture is important, if not crucial to getting the full study-abroad experience. Hopefully we can do it again soon!
Friday, October 21st. Day 55. Paris -> Amsterdam
Another early start to a long day of traveling. As there was, for some still unknown reason, a lot of people traveling to Amsterdam this weekend, I had to make two train changes, making the already lengthy journey a full day event. Anyway, leaving from Paris Noord at 11:50am, meant I was there at 10am to reserve my seat for the already booked train to Lille Flanders. Needless to say, there was a lot of hurry-up-and-wait. But, once on the train, all was well. It was my first time on a high speed train, and it was quite entertaining (especially the businessman sitting next to me trying to speak French to me the whole time).
Once in Flanders, there was another hour+ long wait for my train to Antwerp. As such, I decided to have some lunch. There was a sandwich shop inside the station, where thy had a sign (in english) for a "classic italian" sandwich, with the usual cold cuts and cheese and such. Anyway, I went inside, pointed at the sign and said "I would like the classic italian sandwich, please". The man behind the counter either spoke absolutely no english at all, or was just being a jerk (after being in Paris for a few days, I would not doubt the latter). After some more awkward gesturing and such, I was handed a bag with my sandwich in it. I took it outside, took a bite, only to find a mouth full of nasty, disgusting, mushy, tuna. I. Hate. Tuna. So, not the best final memory of my trip in France, but what can you do?
The train to Antwerp was fairly uneventful, with about 20 stops at which a few people would get on, a few get off, etc. Somehow, we managed to get more than 10 minutes off of schedule (aren't trains notorious for being ontime?), so I missed my train to Amsterdam. Waiting yet another hour in the Antwerp station, there was a huge crowd assembling on the platform for the Amsterdam bound train. As that train was also more than 10 minutes late, even more people had time to gather. I knew I only had one chance, so I decided to use my huge hiking pack as a ram to muscle my way onto the already packed train. There were but two seats in the car I was on, and I managed to snag one. Oh yea, I'm pretty pro.
Another few hours on the train, and I was quite ready to be home. I mean Amsterdam. But that is kind of my home, right? Needless to say, I learned a lot about myself and society traveling over 4 countries in 7 days, and hopefully I can manage to apply those lessons to my daily life as I go forward with the last half of my time at CvA.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Thursday, Oct. 20h. Day 54. Paris.
First on today's list of sights was the Arch de Triumph. It is almost sacrilege to say, but after being in Paris for a few days, sights like the Arch are becoming almost a nonevent. "Hey look, another priceless, instantly recognizable work of art...cool". Haha, ok maybe not quite that bad, but it is amazing that so many artifacts can be found in one town.
Speaking of priceless artifacts, next I visited the Musee de Louvre. Holy crap. That is all I have to say, really, I am having trouble articulating what I experienced. Once I got inside, I knew it was going to be hard to keep it together, so I decided to leave my camera with my bag at the coat check and just soak in everything I could. It turns out that was a very good decision. I was only able to see about one and one quarter wings of the 4(?) wing museum, but it took pretty much all day just to do that. Naturally, as I was at the Louvre, I started with the Italian Renaissance section, in order to, if nothing else, say I had seen the most iconic image of all time: the Mona Lisa. Much as I had heard, the painting was small and unassuming, but the crowd around it was vast and impenetrable. After spending at least a few hours casually wondering that wing, I went to the other (I forget the name) main wing, which housed a lot of Dutch and French baroque era art. I know I might be biased, as I am part Dutch now (sort of), but the Dutch really know how to paint. It is amazing that so much great art came out of a very small town in Northern Europe, a town that I now call home.
After the Louvre, I went to the Sacre-Coure at the suggestion of my friend-host. I had never heard of it, and was skeptical of finding anything really spectacular, especially after just leaving the most renowned art museum in the world. However, after climbing what must have been a thousand steps, I arrived at not only a very unique basilica, but also what has to be the best view of Paris in the whole city. I was a bit disappointed that I couldn't see the Eiffel Tower, but that didn't stop me from losing my ability to stand. I took a seat on the steps of the church and looked out on the most famous in modern times, and I...fell asleep. Yup, I took a little cat nap on the steps of the Sacre-Coure. Not many people could say they had done that, I do believe.
After my brief nap, I went to the train station to reserve my seat for my train back to Amsterdam. Much to my surprise, the trains to Amsterdam were all 100% booked for the whole weekend. Um, yea, my thoughts exactly. A high speed train leaves Paris Noord every hour all day for Amsterdam, and they were all booked? Anyway, I had to settle for a train to Lilly Flanders, in Northern France, where I would transfer to Antwerp, and then on the Amsterdam. But, the details of said journey will be saved for tomorrows post.
For dinner, I had the most local of French foods, a Donner Kebap. I am still not really sure what is in these things, all I know is they are pretty super. Anyway, after dinner, I went back to the hostel to re-check in (I had to check out because I had originally only booked two nights, which I soon realized would never be enough to see all I wanted to in Paris), and take another little nap before going out for a mutual friend's birthday.
With aspirations of getting into a very popular club called Duplex, we started the night at a local pub while waiting for the club to open. So it was me, two or three French guys, and what must have been at least 20 female American students. Needless to say, I was alright with those numbers. Despite all of this, we were unable to get into the club, as we were too big of a group of the wrong origin (apparently it is a big problem in Paris that all clubs are basically 100% American students, and they would rather have at least a more even mix). So after splitting our group up, the people I was with found a little cafe at which we had some awesome hot chocolate. Apparently it is pretty famous in France, although I have never heard anything of this. But it was very good. So good. Mmm, I can still taste it.
Wednesday, Oct. 19th. Day 53. Paris.
My friend and host had class this morning (unfortunate, right?) so I made slow progress getting ready to go. Once out, I met her at the Catacombs, a massive underground burial site from the 18th century. It is pretty crazy to think about how many people are buried there, or should I say, casually placed upon one another.
After parting ways (she had more class, can you imagine?!) with my friend, I made my way to the Musee d'Orsay, home to one of the most impressive collections of impressionist and post impressionist art in the world. It was stunning, despite several rooms being closed.
At the d'Orsay, I saw several Rodin sculptures. Naturally, since Rodin is one of my top 5 favorite artists of any medium, I had to go to the Musee Rodin next. That, well, it was just breathtaking. Just between the Gates of Hell and the Thinker, I was blown away. I haven't had a chance to preview the pictures of that trip yet, but there are probably no less than 200 of this sculpture garden alone.
Next I tried to find the Musee National d'Art Moderne, but for some reason, google maps thought I asked for the Modern Art Museum Villa. So I walked a few kilometers in the wrong direction, only to find a museum closed for set of of some display in which I had no interest. Once I did find the museum I was looking for, it was well worth the time (and did I mention that all museums in France are free if you are an EU student? Winning!). Located in the magnificent Centre Pompidou, a work of art in itself, this museum did not disappoint. Again, I would have to review the pictures just to refresh my memory of all that I saw, but I was amazing! Other than that, I did lose my coat check number, so it was pretty fun trying to get my stuff back from employees that spoke english about as well as I spoke French.
For dinner I went to a cafeteria near the museum called "Flunch". It was nothing to particularly write home about, especially compared to last night's dinner, but it was nice. The real kicker of the evening was hearing local jazz at a cafe near the Moulin Rouge. The performance took place in a converted wine cellar, so the vibe just added to the experience. Not to mention I got to meet a bunch of new people studying with my friend.
Tuesday, October 18th. Day 52. London -> Paris
Today started way way way too early. In order to catch the bus to Paris at 8am, I had to be there to check in at 7am, which meant I had to leave the hostel at 6am, which meant waking up at 5am. Just...no...that was bad planning on my part. With much effort and struggling, I managed to make it to the bus station in plenty of time, seeing that we didn't end up leaving on-time anyway. All in all, while the bus trip was very long and not very interesting, it was far better than the trip from Amsterdam to London, on which we made several stops, the bus was packed, and we spent a lot of time at customs. This time, customs was a breeze, but traffic was pretty bad (coming into Paris during rush hour). We were about an hour late coming in, which threw off my scheduling, but thats ok.
After navigating the metro to my hostel, I found a good friend of mine from Redlands waiting for me. She was such an amazing host, it is unbelievable! But more on that later. Checking in at the Aloha Hostel (cool name, right?) in the 15th district, was cake, and the rooms were nice. Everything about the hostel was great except for the lack of interent. There was internet, but it rarely worked, at all. But that wasn't that important (except for updating this blog), since I was in Paris after all, it helped me get out of the hostel and enjoying the sights!
After checking into the hostel, my friend and I decided to find something to eat. As the local of the group, I just let her do the navigating. Little did I know, we were taking something of a detour. Upon emerging from the metro station, I saw the Notre Dame (yes, I know every church in France is called the Notre Dame, but this was THE Notre Dame). In all honesty, I had a hard time keeping it together while experiencing this amazing structure that I have heard and studied so much about (thank you art history!). It is nothing short of unbelievable that this was built so many hundreds of years ago, and still inspires awe like no other.
After walking around a bit more, we settled on a little hole-in-the-wall French restaurant, at which we were the only people (it was like 7pm after-all, which is very early for the locals to be sitting down to a meal). Being in Paris, my friend insisted that it was nothing short of obligatory that I eat escargot. I was not entirely enthused at the idea, but I muscled through it nonetheless. Truth be told, they weren't all that bad, when you managed to forget that you were eating snails, which wasn't that easy, as you had to manually extract them from their shells. I also had pan seared duck, which was devine! I am not sure I have ever had duck before, but that is something I will be sure to have again!
After dinner, my host had one more surprise up her sleeve. The most stereotypical Parisian surprise of them all: the Eiffel Tower. This structure is just magnificent, and not just because it is THE most recognizable fixture in THE most visited city on earth. Something about it, I don't know how to describe it. It just flows, it has character that few building do. And that's the other thing, it isn't even really a building at all! It is a tower, one that serves no real purpose (besides being later adapted as a radio antenna). Just a stunning structure, and a night that I will never forget!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Monday, October 17th, Day 51
Not to be melodramatic, but I think this day might influence the rest of my life. First thing in the morning, I went to the campus of the prestigious London School of Economics. I don't know why it took me so long to think to visit the most credible and influential economics institution on the planet, but once I did, it was well worth my time. Aside from being a beautiful (albeit small) campus in the middle of London, I fel so at home! Just passing through the crowds of (all english speaking) students, I couldn't help but smile at their small talk, which was almost exclusively polite debate about macroeconomic trends, but a little bit of trading banter and such. After perusing their literature, I decided to meet with a graduate admissions councilor to chat casually about what they look for in a candidate, how to apply, visas, etc. As it turns out, there is a two year masters program in economics and econometrics (the European masters is normally one year) that is geared towards students who are qualified, but not necessarily experienced in economics, academically speaking. After leaving the meeting, I tried not to yell out-loud "I know what I'm doing with my life!" (if you have been following this blog or have known me for more than 5 minutes, you know this "what am I doing with my life" dilemma is a big deal to me) I know it has only been five days since this has happened, but I really do feel like this is the right path. Hopefully as more time passes, I can more accurately analyze this path without the leftover excitement of the initial visit.
After leaving the LSE campus (which took a while, trust me. I just didn't want to leave!), I went to the British Museum. Forgive my ignorance, but I was expecting, I don't know, British things? Instead, it was a museum dedicated exclusively to the spoils of British imperialism over the ages. Don't get me wrong, seeing the Rosetta Stone in person was pretty amazing, but I didn't stick around to long.
Next came the Tate Britain, the sister museum to the Tate Modern. As the divergence in the names would suggest, the Britain is mostly non-modern art. While it was much smaller than the Modern, it was still a great collection. There was one particular video installation called A Tumor (I believe). It was pretty amazing. I especially liked the sound design that went with it (7.2 surround sound with lots of explosive bass drops and such).
Later was the National Galleries. This massive museum is home to an expansive collection of non-modern art, which is not really my favorite. They did have a great room full of Cezanne and Van Gogh, which was by far my favorite.
To top off the night, Tristian and I found a great old pub called the Coal Hole (awesome name, hu?) Such a great crowd, and a great vibe. Hopefully I get into the LSE, so I can have a good excuse to go back to London soon!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Sunday, October 16th, Day 50. London
Today was decidedly less active than yesterday, probably for the best. After waking up and moping around the hostel for a few hours, I met my friend at the Tate Modern Museum of Art. After only a short while in the museum, my friend went to a concert, while I opted out for a far more preferable oppertunity: fresh fish and chips at a real British pub on the Thames river. I think I love food a little too much, because I think that was my favorite thing I have done in London thus far. Granted, it was a relatively simple dish from a little local place, but I think that is what made it so special. It made me feel like I live here, and I liked it so much it made me feel like I have always lived here (or was always meant to). After wondering around some more, I went to Charing Cross to walk around and window shop. It was not too long before I felt more tired than I have in a very long time. That being said...I think it is nap time
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Saturday, October 15th. London, UK. Birthday
What a crazy crazy bus ride. First of all, its a bus, like a Greyhound bus kind of thing, so we kind of knew it wouldn't be great. But the line to check in was a sign of things to come. Long long long, in length and in time. Once on the bus, it was pretty smooth sailing, except for several stops to pick up more passengers (which we didn't expect, and had to keep rearranging our seating to accommodate the additional people). The real kicker was the boarder crossing from Belgium to France. Not that there was anything particularly interesting about it, other than the fact that it was like 100 feet from the boarder check from France to the UK (on the European side of the channel). So we had to go through the whole thing again (although the British were much more thorough, as we were warned they would be). Once through, we put the bus on a train (right?) to go under the English channel (right?!?). This leg was particularly uncomfortable, as we couldn't see what was going on, but were bouncing along something feroce. Once in the UK, it was a fairly straight shot to London, but the bus driver was steadily loosing his touch with the clutch, further making any sleep impossible (it was an overnight bus, so the idea was to save money on lodging by sleeping on the bus...so much for that idea).
Upon arriving at the coach station, at 4:30am (an hour before we had even planned to be there), we were all cold, tired, lost, and very confused. After stumbling around for some time, we eventually resolved to part ways and find our respective lodging (the other two were staying with friends, and I in a hostel). This too was quite interesting, catching the first tube on a Saturday morning with all the left-over partiers from the night before. It took quite some time for me to find my hostel on the Isle of the Dogs, in East London, not exclusively because more than half of the underground system was shutdown for maintenance. However, I did finally make it to The Great Eastern, several hours before they would let me check in. So I dropped off my pack, and returned to the streets.
Like any uninformed traveler would (I suspect), I set out to find the touristy stuff on my own and to get my bearings. So in a whirlwind of mapless fury, I managed to see (not necessarily visit, mind you) darn near everything I knew I wanted to see in London, in a matter of 6 hours. Big Ben, Houses of Parlement, Westminster Abby, The Eye, Buckingham Palace, The financial District, Tower of London, London Bridge, Tower Bridge...it was nuts. After the nonsense, I stopped for lunch at an upscale Italian joint on Piccadilly (hey, its my birthday after all, I deserve a little luxury every now and then). However, a big lunch combined with no sleep and non-stop travel, led me to quickly retire to the hostel, despite it being but 3pm.
Now I am sitting in said hostel, planning my next move. How to celebrate my birthday in London, alone? Well, I do whatever the heck I want, I suppose!
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