After the aforementioned night of zero sleep, I woke up, showered, grabbed a redbull, and said my last goodbyes to the upstairs girls. I will probably never see them again. It is hard to believe that these faces I have grown so accustomed to seeing every day will soon be but a faint memory.
So at about 830 I finally got my stuff downstairs and to the taxi. The 30minute ride to the airport was just enough to get really worked up and seriously down about leaving. At the airport, everything went rather well. Both of my bags were about .5kilos under the weight limit, which was a relief because I knew if one was over the other would be too, and I would have to start chucking stuff. But, crisis averted.
On the plane, I slept not a wink, again. Meaning I watched movies and listened to music for 9 hours straight, just waiting to fall asleep. Didn’t happen.
Now I am sitting in Chicago, waiting for my 4 hour (ridiculous, right) layover to end. Maybe I could try to sleep…ha.
Coming into denver was a little scary, as I have never landed in snow before. I know I am just not used to it, but when I saw a fleet of fire trucks waiting at the end of the runway, it did not make me feel much better. It was the start of a real storm, and our flight was delayed (I guess we were lucky it wasnt canceled all together) so we could de-ice the plane. I did manage to sleep on this final leg of the trip, as it had been nearly 36 hours since I last slept.
Landing in Ontario was uneventful, over an hour late, and surreal in every way. I was quickly overcome with joy and longing when we pulled into the San Bernardino In-n-Out. All in all, it is good to be back.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Tuesday, Dec. 20th. day 114
D-day. Well, sort of. More like P/C day (and I don’t mean politically correct, there was nothing p-c about today). So much packing, so much cleaning. The whole freaking day. Well, other than a brief moment when I went to Albert Heijn to buy a crap-ton of stroopwafels from friends and myself. Somehow, all of the delft-blue tins were sold out! Someone had beat us to it! So I grabbed five of the little bags and made my way to the cashier. As I set the mass of deliciousness on the conveyer belt, I noticed they all expired like the first week of January, so it was already set up to be a major fail. To top it off, when I went to pay with my 50euro bill, the cashier looked up at me with the worlds most disgusted glare, as if to say “are you freaking kidding me? You think I am going to let you pay with this?!” So I replied with a friendly, “forget it buddy”, and walked out empty-handed.
After that little incident, the rest of my day consisted of more packing, interrupted by the periodic visit of a friend to say goodbye. Pretty much not ready to go.
I tried to get to bed early so I could be well rested for the trip, but it totally backfired. I was asleep by 10pm, and woke up at 2am when my upstairs neighbors came in (they are always pretty loud). After that I couldn’t sleep at all. I was literally up all night. So when my alarm went off at 730 am, I just sat up and looked at it in disbelief. How did this happen?!
After that little incident, the rest of my day consisted of more packing, interrupted by the periodic visit of a friend to say goodbye. Pretty much not ready to go.
I tried to get to bed early so I could be well rested for the trip, but it totally backfired. I was asleep by 10pm, and woke up at 2am when my upstairs neighbors came in (they are always pretty loud). After that I couldn’t sleep at all. I was literally up all night. So when my alarm went off at 730 am, I just sat up and looked at it in disbelief. How did this happen?!
Monday, Dec. 19th. Day 113
What a day, what a night. I want to remember Amsterdam as last night (meaning Monday night).
Woke up at about 11, worked on my violin piece (for some reason I still think I am going to finish it before I leave, despite the fact that I have not even started writing the climax and ending), did a little bit more cleaning and packing, and then went to school. It was the day of our final performance for our live electronics ensemble. I think the performance went really well, and it was quite possibly the most fun I have had performing live in a long, long time. Total freedom, total expression, no wrong notes. I have no idea if it was any fun or pleasurable to listen to, but it sure was fun to perform. The KMT boys did a little set as well, and that was really nice. They can do some cool stuff with electronics, that much is certain. Jos talked to me personally about coming back to do the masters' in electronic music. It is a little early to tell, but that seams like it might be a good option, however the program will be a total joke. It wont even fully exist until next year, for the first time, and who knows how serious it will be. But it will get me back to Amsterdam, so it might be worth it.
Anyway, after the performance I came back to my room to grab some dinner before heading out! During that time here dad called me and I called mom. Dad called to ask me if I wanted a Winchester '94 for Christmas, but it was too late, HE ALREADY GOT IT FOR ME! So much win. 1970 though, so it is a total mystery what we have, but he said it looks like it is in good condition, has had less than a box of shells through it. That could mean the guy got 5 shells in and decided it was a piece of junk, haha. We'll see, can't turn down a free gun though haha!
Alright, so at about 930 we head out to Skek, a cool little bar in the center. There were actually a lot of people there, Alexas really knows how to rally the troops for a good time. So we closed this bar, and had to go to another one. I really wish I could remember the name of the second one, it was a pretty tight place. I had been there once before with Kristin's friend when we crashed a birthday party, buurbrouw! Thats what its called (but probably not how its spelled). Anywhere, there was a live dj, some real creepers, and smoking allowed indoors. A total mess, but so Amsterdam. This is a locals-only hang, and you could tell.
After that, a friend and I went to get our last patats. Unfortunately Manakin Pis was closed, so we went to the one next to that on Damrak. We planned on going to Anne Frank the next morning, but that didnt happen (staying out till 3am doesn’t lead to waking up at 8am, go figure). So...yea I hate goodbyes!
Woke up at about 11, worked on my violin piece (for some reason I still think I am going to finish it before I leave, despite the fact that I have not even started writing the climax and ending), did a little bit more cleaning and packing, and then went to school. It was the day of our final performance for our live electronics ensemble. I think the performance went really well, and it was quite possibly the most fun I have had performing live in a long, long time. Total freedom, total expression, no wrong notes. I have no idea if it was any fun or pleasurable to listen to, but it sure was fun to perform. The KMT boys did a little set as well, and that was really nice. They can do some cool stuff with electronics, that much is certain. Jos talked to me personally about coming back to do the masters' in electronic music. It is a little early to tell, but that seams like it might be a good option, however the program will be a total joke. It wont even fully exist until next year, for the first time, and who knows how serious it will be. But it will get me back to Amsterdam, so it might be worth it.
Anyway, after the performance I came back to my room to grab some dinner before heading out! During that time here dad called me and I called mom. Dad called to ask me if I wanted a Winchester '94 for Christmas, but it was too late, HE ALREADY GOT IT FOR ME! So much win. 1970 though, so it is a total mystery what we have, but he said it looks like it is in good condition, has had less than a box of shells through it. That could mean the guy got 5 shells in and decided it was a piece of junk, haha. We'll see, can't turn down a free gun though haha!
Alright, so at about 930 we head out to Skek, a cool little bar in the center. There were actually a lot of people there, Alexas really knows how to rally the troops for a good time. So we closed this bar, and had to go to another one. I really wish I could remember the name of the second one, it was a pretty tight place. I had been there once before with Kristin's friend when we crashed a birthday party, buurbrouw! Thats what its called (but probably not how its spelled). Anywhere, there was a live dj, some real creepers, and smoking allowed indoors. A total mess, but so Amsterdam. This is a locals-only hang, and you could tell.
After that, a friend and I went to get our last patats. Unfortunately Manakin Pis was closed, so we went to the one next to that on Damrak. We planned on going to Anne Frank the next morning, but that didnt happen (staying out till 3am doesn’t lead to waking up at 8am, go figure). So...yea I hate goodbyes!
Sun, December 18th. Day 112
Didn’t really do much today other than start packing and cleaning the room. It was very surreal to be doing this. I know everyone said it would be over before I knew it, but it really was the fastest four months of my life. I guess that is how I know I had a great time. Anyway, now I am all packed an am sitting in a barren room with nothing to do. Well not totally nothing. I did write a little bit more on my piece, with the blind hope that I will be able to finish it in time to deliver before I leave.
A little later, a few of us gathered at a friend’s (at Funenpark) to hang out one last time (this particular girl was leaving the next day, so this really was the first actual goodbye I had to make). It was fun, but slightly depressing. I will, in all probability never see most, if not all of these people again. I really didn’t think that would bother me, especially after feeling somewhat alienated by my friends at home (at noone’s fault, I am far away, and they made no attempt to contact me or anything, but whatever). I guess all in all, I am starting to realize that people really matter to me. I know it sounds silly, like “no duh man”, but I really thought otherwise most of my life until now. This idea of having meaningful connections to people is completely foreign, or at least thriving on these relationships. I always kind of thought that relationships with people were for the weak, who were not comfortable enough with themselves to be alone. That society really diluted one’s view of self and life. It all sounds so crazy in hindsight, but that was really how I thought, and to a certain degree still think. I think it would be interesting to find out what a qualified psychotherapist says about all this, if there was some deep-down traumatizing event in my childhood that has lead me to distrust people to such a degree that I find relationships a crutch. Who knows. For now, I think I am on the right path, at least admitting that there is something to this people-thing.
A little later, a few of us gathered at a friend’s (at Funenpark) to hang out one last time (this particular girl was leaving the next day, so this really was the first actual goodbye I had to make). It was fun, but slightly depressing. I will, in all probability never see most, if not all of these people again. I really didn’t think that would bother me, especially after feeling somewhat alienated by my friends at home (at noone’s fault, I am far away, and they made no attempt to contact me or anything, but whatever). I guess all in all, I am starting to realize that people really matter to me. I know it sounds silly, like “no duh man”, but I really thought otherwise most of my life until now. This idea of having meaningful connections to people is completely foreign, or at least thriving on these relationships. I always kind of thought that relationships with people were for the weak, who were not comfortable enough with themselves to be alone. That society really diluted one’s view of self and life. It all sounds so crazy in hindsight, but that was really how I thought, and to a certain degree still think. I think it would be interesting to find out what a qualified psychotherapist says about all this, if there was some deep-down traumatizing event in my childhood that has lead me to distrust people to such a degree that I find relationships a crutch. Who knows. For now, I think I am on the right path, at least admitting that there is something to this people-thing.
Saturday, Dec. 17th. Day 111.
What an interesting day, again. As I am sure you will note by my last few entries, today was my lesson with Louis Andriessen, finally. I was very very nervous, I could hardly speak. Somehow I managed to pull myself together enough to get my scores printed, cd made, and ass to his house. Quite a nice house it was, despite all of the rather unfriendly steep stairs that I am coming to hate here in the Netherlands. Anyway, the first thing I did inside was receive some tea, as it was "tea time" in the Andriessen house. However, this tea had a little something extra. Apparently, according to the great Andriessen, a little dash of Disaronno is good for the heart on cold weather days or something like that. I knew it was going to be a good lesson when he said that. Only true masters drink hard liquor at 3pm, haha.
Ok anyway, we sat down and chatted for a bit about some jazz arranger that I should know, but only because Louis thought I said I play jazz trumpet, not jazz drumset. After correcting that (and he insisting that it was still worth-while to check out) the moment of truth arrived: "let me see your work". First we looked at Mondrianism, which was a tad awkward since Louis's own De Stijl was based on a text about Mondrian. Anyway, he liked it, I think (I still haven’t listened to the tape of the lesson, it was all such a haze in person). He said I mirrored Mondrian's style by leaving out certain things, which was a nice comment. Also he liked my handling of the low left hand material, saying so many composers somehow forget there is bass or something.
Then we listened to VII. It was quite painful, actually, to play that recording. In fact, that is what we discussed most about that piece. He really thought it was tragic how awful the performance was, and I think I agree. I guess having dedicated musicians that take the performance of new music seriously is something I have never had, so I didn't know it was missing. But it is a very important part music, I mean it is the realization of my mere dots on a page. I think he phrased it as having a musician work at your music enough to "steal it away from you, and make it theirs". While in English I am not sure anyone would have said that, it is a very nice way of putting it. "Performer, I want you to steal this music from me. Make it yours, but you have to take it from me first. Make some artistic decisions that make it your own. Invest in it." Nice nice nice.
Other than the performance, we talked about the painfully slow tempo, and how that in and of itself can create difficulties for practice and rehearsal, as well as conducting. Also rhythmically: to focus on rhythmic abnormality to that degree but so slow makes everything sound the same (which may be a good argument for its coherence, Idk haha). All in all, very practical things. I guess I heard that about Andriessen, that he isn't some composer dreamer with his head in the clouds, he really gets down and makes things work on a practical level. I like that.
And lastly was Linear Sketch, my most recent piano piece. I think I made a mistake by introducing it is a completed sketch (as opposed to an actual composition) that I had no interest in reviving. Anyway, he was quick to say that it was not a good practice to get into, throwing away pieces I was unhappy with or not finishing something I had started. I can see where he was going, again from a very practical stand-point. However, I am not sure if I will go back and make corrections, other than writing it in q= 80. I think I had a fun idea with making the tempo q=160, making the performer really think of a double tempo while performing syncopated half-rhythms. But anyway, he said I had some interesting ideas, which is all I could really ask for at this point, and from His perspective.
I think that is about it, other than the casual conversation around the table. He liked the wine, I mean he didn't open it, but he liked it. He also gave me a DVD of his recent piece Anais Nin, and signed it at my request (I am not sure if I understood him correctly, but I think he said he had never autographed anything before, or maybe that he had never signed this DVD before, I am not sure). He also said I could email his assistant for a full professional recording of his recent opera La Comedia, which won the Grawemeyer award.
Overall, I think I was most shocked at how utterly normal he was. I talked myself into a fit getting ready for this lesson, and it turns out he is more like a Dutch grandpa than a supernatural art-making machine. In fact, he did not resemble a crazy artist that writes this amazingly complex art music at all. I am kind of relieved by that actually, thinking of my own possibilities. All of my peers seem to be slightly crazy, or at least they would like to be viewed that way. But it seems the "older" professionals, and more mature teachers, are very practical about their approach to music. For Andriessen, at least in our lesson, he didn't speak much on "art", "expression", or any sort of cliche artistic nonsense. He treated it like he was making a wooden doll or something, something he had done many times, and I wanted to do. I could very well do it very differently from him, but he had some experiences he though would be helpful to share to make my own dolls better. I think that is a good analogy, maybe not. I am not sure. I guess I am back to being unsure about everything now because of this lesson, as I feared haha.
Ok, after the lesson, I went to a friends place for dinner. He made us some awesome home-made pasta with beet sauce (or something like that).. Anyway, it was fun. One last get together before we leave (even though we are having another one tonight, haha).
Once I came home, it must have been no later than 1130, I was just getting ready for bed, and I hear a knock on the door. It was my other roommate from Iran. He wanted to offer me some of his food, probably because I made a comment when coming in that it smelled good. We had a very nice, very long chat about Amsterdam, life, culture, marriage, school, work, money, geo-politics, and just about everything else you could imagine. I found it interesting that he regretting getting married, at least when he did, that he was very grateful for what the US did in Iraq and Afghanistan, and how it made Iran a safer and happier place. I would have thought that would be the opposite, and I find it ironic that making Iran happy was probably the last thing we actually wanted to accomplish while over there. Getting away from the political side, he liked my optimism about the future, and said that based on how I speak and what I post on facebook (very good metrics by which to measure a person, right?) that I really have a knack for econ and I should give that a try. I have nothing to lose, and I will be kicking myself all the way if I dont try, and I could very well spend the rest of my life learning. I appreciate the thought and the confidence, but it just is not that easy. And I really am trying to not be melodramatic about it, because I know I have the tendency to be melodramatic, but money, sunk cost, my apartment, the job market, etc. I still need to do some investigating, so there is till some time to decide these things, but being in limbo kind of bothers me. Lastly, we talked about Iran. He politely said that I am welcome to visit his country and that he would be happy to show me around. We both thought it would be good for more Americans to really see what it is like in person rather than what CNN says, but I am not sure if I am that person, at least not yet.
Ok anyway, we sat down and chatted for a bit about some jazz arranger that I should know, but only because Louis thought I said I play jazz trumpet, not jazz drumset. After correcting that (and he insisting that it was still worth-while to check out) the moment of truth arrived: "let me see your work". First we looked at Mondrianism, which was a tad awkward since Louis's own De Stijl was based on a text about Mondrian. Anyway, he liked it, I think (I still haven’t listened to the tape of the lesson, it was all such a haze in person). He said I mirrored Mondrian's style by leaving out certain things, which was a nice comment. Also he liked my handling of the low left hand material, saying so many composers somehow forget there is bass or something.
Then we listened to VII. It was quite painful, actually, to play that recording. In fact, that is what we discussed most about that piece. He really thought it was tragic how awful the performance was, and I think I agree. I guess having dedicated musicians that take the performance of new music seriously is something I have never had, so I didn't know it was missing. But it is a very important part music, I mean it is the realization of my mere dots on a page. I think he phrased it as having a musician work at your music enough to "steal it away from you, and make it theirs". While in English I am not sure anyone would have said that, it is a very nice way of putting it. "Performer, I want you to steal this music from me. Make it yours, but you have to take it from me first. Make some artistic decisions that make it your own. Invest in it." Nice nice nice.
Other than the performance, we talked about the painfully slow tempo, and how that in and of itself can create difficulties for practice and rehearsal, as well as conducting. Also rhythmically: to focus on rhythmic abnormality to that degree but so slow makes everything sound the same (which may be a good argument for its coherence, Idk haha). All in all, very practical things. I guess I heard that about Andriessen, that he isn't some composer dreamer with his head in the clouds, he really gets down and makes things work on a practical level. I like that.
And lastly was Linear Sketch, my most recent piano piece. I think I made a mistake by introducing it is a completed sketch (as opposed to an actual composition) that I had no interest in reviving. Anyway, he was quick to say that it was not a good practice to get into, throwing away pieces I was unhappy with or not finishing something I had started. I can see where he was going, again from a very practical stand-point. However, I am not sure if I will go back and make corrections, other than writing it in q= 80. I think I had a fun idea with making the tempo q=160, making the performer really think of a double tempo while performing syncopated half-rhythms. But anyway, he said I had some interesting ideas, which is all I could really ask for at this point, and from His perspective.
I think that is about it, other than the casual conversation around the table. He liked the wine, I mean he didn't open it, but he liked it. He also gave me a DVD of his recent piece Anais Nin, and signed it at my request (I am not sure if I understood him correctly, but I think he said he had never autographed anything before, or maybe that he had never signed this DVD before, I am not sure). He also said I could email his assistant for a full professional recording of his recent opera La Comedia, which won the Grawemeyer award.
Overall, I think I was most shocked at how utterly normal he was. I talked myself into a fit getting ready for this lesson, and it turns out he is more like a Dutch grandpa than a supernatural art-making machine. In fact, he did not resemble a crazy artist that writes this amazingly complex art music at all. I am kind of relieved by that actually, thinking of my own possibilities. All of my peers seem to be slightly crazy, or at least they would like to be viewed that way. But it seems the "older" professionals, and more mature teachers, are very practical about their approach to music. For Andriessen, at least in our lesson, he didn't speak much on "art", "expression", or any sort of cliche artistic nonsense. He treated it like he was making a wooden doll or something, something he had done many times, and I wanted to do. I could very well do it very differently from him, but he had some experiences he though would be helpful to share to make my own dolls better. I think that is a good analogy, maybe not. I am not sure. I guess I am back to being unsure about everything now because of this lesson, as I feared haha.
Ok, after the lesson, I went to a friends place for dinner. He made us some awesome home-made pasta with beet sauce (or something like that).. Anyway, it was fun. One last get together before we leave (even though we are having another one tonight, haha).
Once I came home, it must have been no later than 1130, I was just getting ready for bed, and I hear a knock on the door. It was my other roommate from Iran. He wanted to offer me some of his food, probably because I made a comment when coming in that it smelled good. We had a very nice, very long chat about Amsterdam, life, culture, marriage, school, work, money, geo-politics, and just about everything else you could imagine. I found it interesting that he regretting getting married, at least when he did, that he was very grateful for what the US did in Iraq and Afghanistan, and how it made Iran a safer and happier place. I would have thought that would be the opposite, and I find it ironic that making Iran happy was probably the last thing we actually wanted to accomplish while over there. Getting away from the political side, he liked my optimism about the future, and said that based on how I speak and what I post on facebook (very good metrics by which to measure a person, right?) that I really have a knack for econ and I should give that a try. I have nothing to lose, and I will be kicking myself all the way if I dont try, and I could very well spend the rest of my life learning. I appreciate the thought and the confidence, but it just is not that easy. And I really am trying to not be melodramatic about it, because I know I have the tendency to be melodramatic, but money, sunk cost, my apartment, the job market, etc. I still need to do some investigating, so there is till some time to decide these things, but being in limbo kind of bothers me. Lastly, we talked about Iran. He politely said that I am welcome to visit his country and that he would be happy to show me around. We both thought it would be good for more Americans to really see what it is like in person rather than what CNN says, but I am not sure if I am that person, at least not yet.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Friday, December 16th. Day 110
Today was an interesting day indeed.
It started with me coming outside to find my bike tire flat, mysteriously. I am not blaming anyone, of course, because if I were to think I was the victim of vandalism, that would only be out of sheer paranoia. But I did happen to chew a certain someone out for smoking weed in our room again, so maybe he was pissed and wanted to take revenge? Idk, but either way I didn't have time to fuss with it so I simply walked to school on my still kind of broken foot. Not fun.
Upon arriving at school, I needed to print some scores for my lesson with Fabio Nieder. Of course, after 4 attempts, the printer didnt work. Luckily, the help-desk people printed it for me, but it still took far too long. Even after all of this, Fabio was more than half an hour late on his lessons. When I finally got inside, all went very well. He is a fantastic teacher, and I really like how passionate he is when explaining things. He also instilled in me the need for "character" in my music; thinking about shape, contour, dynamics, articulation, sound, and timbre as much as pitches and rhythms. I thought I did that already, but he instructed me to focus on it intently, and I think my music will be more successful because of it. However, I thought I was recording the lesson, since I knew he would have all kinds of great things to say, but for some God-awful reason my phone decided it didn't want to record. Barry fail number 4? haha
Then I had live electronics rehearsal, which was whatever. Haha, you know how it is with that class. After class I came back home to fix my bike and get ready to go to my Dutch friend-girl’s house for dinner before our concert. The tire held air so I just figured my valve stem was lose or something. This lady’s house is quite cute, and exactly what I would expect in a typical Amsterdam house actually: very very steep stairs, low ceilings, many levels, above an Indian restaurant, all of that. Her parents are so nice and hospitable; I had a great time, even when we started talking about economics, gun violence, and politics. I think I did a great job of holding my tongue, or at least not putting my foot directly in my mouth, haha.
The concert was fun as well, all "modern" (within the last 30 years) Dutch music. I should probably write down the composers' names because otherwise I will never remember them, but I am too lazy to get up and look for the program, so I will put it on the blog tomorrow, haha.
After the concert we met Tristian, Duri, and some other CvA composer (so bad with names), and went to Litzeplien to hang. We chatted for a little bit, but my friend insisted on going home before midnight. When we got back to her house, at the very ideal setting on the canal out her front door, she told me that she really liked me...as a friend (how many times have you heard that crock?). She said she felt "too comfortable around me". Too comfortable to be more than friends? I feel like this isn't the first time this has happened, even though she is the first one to articulate it in this way. Maybe I am too comforting, too polite. Do I need to be more aggressive? More go-get-em? I dont freaking know. I kept pestering her that I may never see her again, and that we should try and hang out once more before I leave, but that was all before she said this. Not that I don't want to see her again, it is just not as awesome, haha. I really don't know why this keeps happening to me. Maybe I am too nice...haha I never ever thought I would be saying that. Oh. Freaking. Well.
It started with me coming outside to find my bike tire flat, mysteriously. I am not blaming anyone, of course, because if I were to think I was the victim of vandalism, that would only be out of sheer paranoia. But I did happen to chew a certain someone out for smoking weed in our room again, so maybe he was pissed and wanted to take revenge? Idk, but either way I didn't have time to fuss with it so I simply walked to school on my still kind of broken foot. Not fun.
Upon arriving at school, I needed to print some scores for my lesson with Fabio Nieder. Of course, after 4 attempts, the printer didnt work. Luckily, the help-desk people printed it for me, but it still took far too long. Even after all of this, Fabio was more than half an hour late on his lessons. When I finally got inside, all went very well. He is a fantastic teacher, and I really like how passionate he is when explaining things. He also instilled in me the need for "character" in my music; thinking about shape, contour, dynamics, articulation, sound, and timbre as much as pitches and rhythms. I thought I did that already, but he instructed me to focus on it intently, and I think my music will be more successful because of it. However, I thought I was recording the lesson, since I knew he would have all kinds of great things to say, but for some God-awful reason my phone decided it didn't want to record. Barry fail number 4? haha
Then I had live electronics rehearsal, which was whatever. Haha, you know how it is with that class. After class I came back home to fix my bike and get ready to go to my Dutch friend-girl’s house for dinner before our concert. The tire held air so I just figured my valve stem was lose or something. This lady’s house is quite cute, and exactly what I would expect in a typical Amsterdam house actually: very very steep stairs, low ceilings, many levels, above an Indian restaurant, all of that. Her parents are so nice and hospitable; I had a great time, even when we started talking about economics, gun violence, and politics. I think I did a great job of holding my tongue, or at least not putting my foot directly in my mouth, haha.
The concert was fun as well, all "modern" (within the last 30 years) Dutch music. I should probably write down the composers' names because otherwise I will never remember them, but I am too lazy to get up and look for the program, so I will put it on the blog tomorrow, haha.
After the concert we met Tristian, Duri, and some other CvA composer (so bad with names), and went to Litzeplien to hang. We chatted for a little bit, but my friend insisted on going home before midnight. When we got back to her house, at the very ideal setting on the canal out her front door, she told me that she really liked me...as a friend (how many times have you heard that crock?). She said she felt "too comfortable around me". Too comfortable to be more than friends? I feel like this isn't the first time this has happened, even though she is the first one to articulate it in this way. Maybe I am too comforting, too polite. Do I need to be more aggressive? More go-get-em? I dont freaking know. I kept pestering her that I may never see her again, and that we should try and hang out once more before I leave, but that was all before she said this. Not that I don't want to see her again, it is just not as awesome, haha. I really don't know why this keeps happening to me. Maybe I am too nice...haha I never ever thought I would be saying that. Oh. Freaking. Well.
Friday, December 16th. Day 110
Today was an interesting day indeed.
It started with me coming outside to find my bike tire flat, mysteriously. I am not blaming anyone, of course, because if I were to think I was the victim of vandalism, that would only be out of sheer paranoia. But I did happen to chew a certain someone out for smoking weed in our room again, so maybe he was pissed and wanted to take revenge? Idk, but either way I didn't have time to fuss with it so I simply walked to school on my still kind of broken foot. Not fun.
Upon arriving at school, I needed to print some scores for my lesson with Fabio Nieder. Of course, after 4 attempts, the printer didnt work. Luckily, the help-desk people printed it for me, but it still took far too long. Even after all of this, Fabio was more than half an hour late on his lessons. When I finally got inside, all went very well. He is a fantastic teacher, and I really like how passionate he is when explaining things. He also instilled in me the need for "character" in my music; thinking about shape, contour, dynamics, articulation, sound, and timbre as much as pitches and rhythms. I thought I did that already, but he instructed me to focus on it intently, and I think my music will be more successful because of it. However, I thought I was recording the lesson, since I knew he would have all kinds of great things to say, but for some God-awful reason my phone decided it didn't want to record. Barry fail number 4? haha
Then I had live electronics rehearsal, which was whatever. Haha, you know how it is with that class. After class I came back home to fix my bike and get ready to go to my Dutch friend-girl’s house for dinner before our concert. The tire held air so I just figured my valve stem was lose or something. This lady’s house is quite cute, and exactly what I would expect in a typical Amsterdam house actually: very very steep stairs, low ceilings, many levels, above an Indian restaurant, all of that. Her parents are so nice and hospitable; I had a great time, even when we started talking about economics, gun violence, and politics. I think I did a great job of holding my tongue, or at least not putting my foot directly in my mouth, haha.
The concert was fun as well, all "modern" (within the last 30 years) Dutch music. I should probably write down the composers' names because otherwise I will never remember them, but I am too lazy to get up and look for the program, so I will put it on the blog tomorrow, haha.
After the concert we met Tristian, Duri, and some other CvA composer (so bad with names), and went to Litzeplien to hang. We chatted for a little bit, but my friend insisted on going home before midnight. When we got back to her house, at the very ideal setting on the canal out her front door, she told me that she really liked me...as a friend (how many times have you heard that crock?). She said she felt "too comfortable around me". Too comfortable to be more than friends? I feel like this isn't the first time this has happened, even though she is the first one to articulate it in this way. Maybe I am too comforting, too polite. Do I need to be more aggressive? More go-get-em? I dont freaking know. I kept pestering her that I may never see her again, and that we should try and hang out once more before I leave, but that was all before she said this. Not that I don't want to see her again, it is just not as awesome, haha. I really don't know why this keeps happening to me. Maybe I am too nice...haha I never ever thought I would be saying that. Oh. Freaking. Well.
It started with me coming outside to find my bike tire flat, mysteriously. I am not blaming anyone, of course, because if I were to think I was the victim of vandalism, that would only be out of sheer paranoia. But I did happen to chew a certain someone out for smoking weed in our room again, so maybe he was pissed and wanted to take revenge? Idk, but either way I didn't have time to fuss with it so I simply walked to school on my still kind of broken foot. Not fun.
Upon arriving at school, I needed to print some scores for my lesson with Fabio Nieder. Of course, after 4 attempts, the printer didnt work. Luckily, the help-desk people printed it for me, but it still took far too long. Even after all of this, Fabio was more than half an hour late on his lessons. When I finally got inside, all went very well. He is a fantastic teacher, and I really like how passionate he is when explaining things. He also instilled in me the need for "character" in my music; thinking about shape, contour, dynamics, articulation, sound, and timbre as much as pitches and rhythms. I thought I did that already, but he instructed me to focus on it intently, and I think my music will be more successful because of it. However, I thought I was recording the lesson, since I knew he would have all kinds of great things to say, but for some God-awful reason my phone decided it didn't want to record. Barry fail number 4? haha
Then I had live electronics rehearsal, which was whatever. Haha, you know how it is with that class. After class I came back home to fix my bike and get ready to go to my Dutch friend-girl’s house for dinner before our concert. The tire held air so I just figured my valve stem was lose or something. This lady’s house is quite cute, and exactly what I would expect in a typical Amsterdam house actually: very very steep stairs, low ceilings, many levels, above an Indian restaurant, all of that. Her parents are so nice and hospitable; I had a great time, even when we started talking about economics, gun violence, and politics. I think I did a great job of holding my tongue, or at least not putting my foot directly in my mouth, haha.
The concert was fun as well, all "modern" (within the last 30 years) Dutch music. I should probably write down the composers' names because otherwise I will never remember them, but I am too lazy to get up and look for the program, so I will put it on the blog tomorrow, haha.
After the concert we met Tristian, Duri, and some other CvA composer (so bad with names), and went to Litzeplien to hang. We chatted for a little bit, but my friend insisted on going home before midnight. When we got back to her house, at the very ideal setting on the canal out her front door, she told me that she really liked me...as a friend (how many times have you heard that crock?). She said she felt "too comfortable around me". Too comfortable to be more than friends? I feel like this isn't the first time this has happened, even though she is the first one to articulate it in this way. Maybe I am too comforting, too polite. Do I need to be more aggressive? More go-get-em? I dont freaking know. I kept pestering her that I may never see her again, and that we should try and hang out once more before I leave, but that was all before she said this. Not that I don't want to see her again, it is just not as awesome, haha. I really don't know why this keeps happening to me. Maybe I am too nice...haha I never ever thought I would be saying that. Oh. Freaking. Well.
Thursday, December 15th. Day 109
Dear lord, last night's concert was a total disaster. On the second tune, a ballad called More Love, the intro in 3/4 was too fast, the 5/4 bar was interrupted by the singer coming in too early, and somehow, Lord I don't know how, the time got all switched around to like a 6/8 thing. It never recovered. Oh man, it was a slow motion train-wreck for the whole tune. Nothing like that has ever happened to me, especially not in a public performance. Man, it was ugly!
Today I woke up nice and late, signed out a practice room, had lunch with a friend, and went to composition forum. Today our guest composer Fabio Nieder presented Stockhausen's Mantra. Well, he kind of just talked about music and music history and development in general, but he kind of tied it in at the very end. He seems like a super smart guy, nearly perfect pitch memory of so many great compositions, and really values tradition and learning from the past. Tomorrow I have a lesson with him at noon, and I am excited/anxious to see what he has to say about my mostly post-minimalist music, since he seems to be of the more post-war European atonality school. I believe they call it the Darmstraat school.
Anyway, other than that, I went souvenir shopping with a friend when I was supposed to be writing, so I have nothing to show for today as far as work on my duet is concerned. I did get some stuff for a few people, and a shirt for my sister, and some Christmas ornaments.
And now, at 8:12pm, I am yawning, listening to house music on my beats, waiting for something fun to happen. I have been blown off, well more politely turned down, by several people with offers to hang out/go out/etc. I know this is one of the last days in Amsterdam, but it seems like that doesn't concern most people as much as it concerns me. I mean, some of them had genuine excuses, such as a final that doesn’t start till 8, being sick, busy. I guess those are excuses not to party, I mean, I have never used any excuse to not hang out myself, haha. But a friend is supposed to come down and hang out in a bit. I don't know exactly what we're gonna do. She doesn't wanna go out, kuz she is lame/tired/too cold. But I am out of drinks and southpark episodes, haha. Oh well, I guess we'll find something to do. Heck, I can't even make food! I am so out of food! But I don't want to buy more kuz some of it will undoubtedly go to waste by the time I leave in less than a week. Guess I'll just have to live off of soup till then. Not that it's a particularly bad thing, since it is so darned cold and windy.
Today I woke up nice and late, signed out a practice room, had lunch with a friend, and went to composition forum. Today our guest composer Fabio Nieder presented Stockhausen's Mantra. Well, he kind of just talked about music and music history and development in general, but he kind of tied it in at the very end. He seems like a super smart guy, nearly perfect pitch memory of so many great compositions, and really values tradition and learning from the past. Tomorrow I have a lesson with him at noon, and I am excited/anxious to see what he has to say about my mostly post-minimalist music, since he seems to be of the more post-war European atonality school. I believe they call it the Darmstraat school.
Anyway, other than that, I went souvenir shopping with a friend when I was supposed to be writing, so I have nothing to show for today as far as work on my duet is concerned. I did get some stuff for a few people, and a shirt for my sister, and some Christmas ornaments.
And now, at 8:12pm, I am yawning, listening to house music on my beats, waiting for something fun to happen. I have been blown off, well more politely turned down, by several people with offers to hang out/go out/etc. I know this is one of the last days in Amsterdam, but it seems like that doesn't concern most people as much as it concerns me. I mean, some of them had genuine excuses, such as a final that doesn’t start till 8, being sick, busy. I guess those are excuses not to party, I mean, I have never used any excuse to not hang out myself, haha. But a friend is supposed to come down and hang out in a bit. I don't know exactly what we're gonna do. She doesn't wanna go out, kuz she is lame/tired/too cold. But I am out of drinks and southpark episodes, haha. Oh well, I guess we'll find something to do. Heck, I can't even make food! I am so out of food! But I don't want to buy more kuz some of it will undoubtedly go to waste by the time I leave in less than a week. Guess I'll just have to live off of soup till then. Not that it's a particularly bad thing, since it is so darned cold and windy.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Friday, December 9th (Day 103) to Wednesday, December 14th
Ok, trying not to fall behind as much on the blog, especially since I am leaving in a week. However, my memory seems to be failing me on what I have been doing. Either that, or I have not been doing much that is memorable, haha. Probably that.
Friday I had jazz combo rehearsal in the morning. It did not go very well. In fact, Berend, the director, actually started yelling at our bass player (not that he was the only one) and stormed out of rehearsal. Yea. Pretty bad. I really don't think other ensembles have this problem with a blatant lack of professionalism. I guess I just got lucky.
After that I did a little writing. Trying to finish that violin piece in time for my lesson with Andriessen. Every once in a while I have productive spurts, but Friday was not really one of them, if I remember correctly.
After classes and such, I hung out with a friend of mine, Shanti, for a few hours. We had dinner at her place and talked till like midnight. Nice gal. Fun stuff. Yup.
Saturday I went to the book store that my friend's aunt owns to help Shani pick out a book for her father for christmas. Unfortunately, Beth was not there so I did not get a chance to talk to her. I tried to do a bit of Christmas/souvenir shopping myself, but it was too darned cold and such. So, if memory serves me, I went back to my room and sulked for a while.
After sulking for a while, I went to a conservatorie party at an apartment building on Palmstraat. Apparently this group, or apartment, hosts a big party at the end of every semester. It was straight crazy. Nutz. So many people, in this little tiny space. At one point the cops came, but I was on the roof, and they never made it up there kuz there was too many people, so I didn't hear what it was about, haha.
Sunday was the complete opposite of that party. Alone, in my room, all day, depressed, trying not to be, reading, reflecting, that kind of thing. It came to a real head when I was trying to look back on my past two years of college and reflect on my growth and progress. All I could come up with is how disappointed in myself I would be if I saw me now as a high school senior. I have been almost totally discouraged away from professional music, I assume the worst in people, I don't trust anyone, and I don't even call myself a Christian anymore. What has happened to me? Where did it all go so wrong?!
That being said, one of the first things I did Monday was call home and get a referral to see a psychologist. No more trying to do this alone. Surprisingly, after admitting total defeat like that, I felt a lot better! I went to the library to score study and read up on Andriessen (a total boss, by the way), and then went to write. I think I made more progress on my piece Monday than any other day this semester on any other piece. It just flowed. When I said I can't handle my struggles alone, it sort of took down the mental blocks, or at least lowered them. Everything just seemed to work well for a while. It felt really good.
Later, as usual on Monday, was live electronics ensemble. It was our last scheduled rehearsal before our performance Monday, so everyone was kind of on edge to make sure everything was right. It really takes a lot of energy to improvise and pay attention for two hours. I always feel so beat after just one run-through. It will be a good performance, though. I am excited to see what happens, live, with electronics.
Tuesday started early with an "emergency" rehearsal of our jazz ensemble. It was scheduled to start at 10:30am, but we weren't even close. Not only did people show up late, as usual, but we had no room booked. So for almost an hour, we just hopped from room to room, continually getting kicked out by teachers and such. It was a very tense rehearsal once we did get started. It was quite clear that we were not prepared for our performance Wednesday.
Afterwards, I had my final lesson with Lucas on drumset. It was bittersweet, to say the least. He is a really great teacher, one of the best I have ever had in any subject. I know I am not to the level that he usually teaches, and he couldn't help showing me that one more time by giving me a polyrhythm exercise to remember him by, haha.
After that lesson was my last lesson with Jurre, my jazz composition teacher. Unfortunately, I did not have anything new to show him, so we just score-studied for the lesson. He is another great teacher, but in a very different way. He has a very different teaching style, almost like "lets figure this out together". We parted ways with him inviting me to audition for the masters in film music program. While I am not particularly interested in film, it would be a great way to really round out my skills as a composer. I would love to be that guy that can pick up the phone and accept any and every gig, no matter the style or whatever.
Also, Tuesday we had our "farewell dinner" with IES. It was at this nice Dutch restaurant near the ABC, I forget what it is called. I was yet again taked aback by how many people in our program I didnt know, between living in PHK and being a CvA student. Good food and good friends; I am going to miss it here a lot.
Wednesday, today, began with a rehearsal for our live electronics trio, a small group withen the live electronics class. It went pretty well, but it is kind of frustrating when the three people have one chance to combine their very different ideas of what the work should be. I pretty much just gave in. I can give them what they want, weather I want it or not.
Wrote a little bit more. Feeling pretty good about where this piece is headed. I am still having trouble really sitting down for an extended period of time and just writing, but I guess part of that is our limitation to book rooms in 1.5 hour slots only.
And last but not least, the concert. Oh dear Lord, the concert. At 5pm we had our call time for soundcheck, which we didnt make because people showed up late. So around six, we had time for like 3 half tunes. Which, wasnt enough. Come performance time (which wasn't for like 4 hours, since we performed last in a "singer festival"). First tune went off without a hitch. Then the second tune. More Love. I will never forget. 3/4 intro, a bar of 5/4, and then a 4/4 ballad. Intro was too fast, the singer came in early on the 5/4, and somehow everyone lost any time and beat. It was awful. To top it off, I couldn't get us back to 4. Like, a drummer's only job. Couldn't. Not to save my freaking life. Really really feel like that was the worst public performance of my life. The plus side is, it can't get any worse. I will never have a worse performance than I did tonight. Somehow that doesn't make me feel a lot better...
Friday I had jazz combo rehearsal in the morning. It did not go very well. In fact, Berend, the director, actually started yelling at our bass player (not that he was the only one) and stormed out of rehearsal. Yea. Pretty bad. I really don't think other ensembles have this problem with a blatant lack of professionalism. I guess I just got lucky.
After that I did a little writing. Trying to finish that violin piece in time for my lesson with Andriessen. Every once in a while I have productive spurts, but Friday was not really one of them, if I remember correctly.
After classes and such, I hung out with a friend of mine, Shanti, for a few hours. We had dinner at her place and talked till like midnight. Nice gal. Fun stuff. Yup.
Saturday I went to the book store that my friend's aunt owns to help Shani pick out a book for her father for christmas. Unfortunately, Beth was not there so I did not get a chance to talk to her. I tried to do a bit of Christmas/souvenir shopping myself, but it was too darned cold and such. So, if memory serves me, I went back to my room and sulked for a while.
After sulking for a while, I went to a conservatorie party at an apartment building on Palmstraat. Apparently this group, or apartment, hosts a big party at the end of every semester. It was straight crazy. Nutz. So many people, in this little tiny space. At one point the cops came, but I was on the roof, and they never made it up there kuz there was too many people, so I didn't hear what it was about, haha.
Sunday was the complete opposite of that party. Alone, in my room, all day, depressed, trying not to be, reading, reflecting, that kind of thing. It came to a real head when I was trying to look back on my past two years of college and reflect on my growth and progress. All I could come up with is how disappointed in myself I would be if I saw me now as a high school senior. I have been almost totally discouraged away from professional music, I assume the worst in people, I don't trust anyone, and I don't even call myself a Christian anymore. What has happened to me? Where did it all go so wrong?!
That being said, one of the first things I did Monday was call home and get a referral to see a psychologist. No more trying to do this alone. Surprisingly, after admitting total defeat like that, I felt a lot better! I went to the library to score study and read up on Andriessen (a total boss, by the way), and then went to write. I think I made more progress on my piece Monday than any other day this semester on any other piece. It just flowed. When I said I can't handle my struggles alone, it sort of took down the mental blocks, or at least lowered them. Everything just seemed to work well for a while. It felt really good.
Later, as usual on Monday, was live electronics ensemble. It was our last scheduled rehearsal before our performance Monday, so everyone was kind of on edge to make sure everything was right. It really takes a lot of energy to improvise and pay attention for two hours. I always feel so beat after just one run-through. It will be a good performance, though. I am excited to see what happens, live, with electronics.
Tuesday started early with an "emergency" rehearsal of our jazz ensemble. It was scheduled to start at 10:30am, but we weren't even close. Not only did people show up late, as usual, but we had no room booked. So for almost an hour, we just hopped from room to room, continually getting kicked out by teachers and such. It was a very tense rehearsal once we did get started. It was quite clear that we were not prepared for our performance Wednesday.
Afterwards, I had my final lesson with Lucas on drumset. It was bittersweet, to say the least. He is a really great teacher, one of the best I have ever had in any subject. I know I am not to the level that he usually teaches, and he couldn't help showing me that one more time by giving me a polyrhythm exercise to remember him by, haha.
After that lesson was my last lesson with Jurre, my jazz composition teacher. Unfortunately, I did not have anything new to show him, so we just score-studied for the lesson. He is another great teacher, but in a very different way. He has a very different teaching style, almost like "lets figure this out together". We parted ways with him inviting me to audition for the masters in film music program. While I am not particularly interested in film, it would be a great way to really round out my skills as a composer. I would love to be that guy that can pick up the phone and accept any and every gig, no matter the style or whatever.
Also, Tuesday we had our "farewell dinner" with IES. It was at this nice Dutch restaurant near the ABC, I forget what it is called. I was yet again taked aback by how many people in our program I didnt know, between living in PHK and being a CvA student. Good food and good friends; I am going to miss it here a lot.
Wednesday, today, began with a rehearsal for our live electronics trio, a small group withen the live electronics class. It went pretty well, but it is kind of frustrating when the three people have one chance to combine their very different ideas of what the work should be. I pretty much just gave in. I can give them what they want, weather I want it or not.
Wrote a little bit more. Feeling pretty good about where this piece is headed. I am still having trouble really sitting down for an extended period of time and just writing, but I guess part of that is our limitation to book rooms in 1.5 hour slots only.
And last but not least, the concert. Oh dear Lord, the concert. At 5pm we had our call time for soundcheck, which we didnt make because people showed up late. So around six, we had time for like 3 half tunes. Which, wasnt enough. Come performance time (which wasn't for like 4 hours, since we performed last in a "singer festival"). First tune went off without a hitch. Then the second tune. More Love. I will never forget. 3/4 intro, a bar of 5/4, and then a 4/4 ballad. Intro was too fast, the singer came in early on the 5/4, and somehow everyone lost any time and beat. It was awful. To top it off, I couldn't get us back to 4. Like, a drummer's only job. Couldn't. Not to save my freaking life. Really really feel like that was the worst public performance of my life. The plus side is, it can't get any worse. I will never have a worse performance than I did tonight. Somehow that doesn't make me feel a lot better...
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Thursday, December 8th. Day 102
Well, I didn't finish my piece for my lesson today. But I guess in the end, it didn't really matter. As soon as my composition professor came in the room for my lesson, he knew something was wrong. It didn't take long before I totally lost it. I just couldn't hold in the sadness any longer, and I let it all out in front of him. It didn't feel good, at least not at the time.
We dug pretty deep into my psyche, as one might expect after an episode like that. We examined things like success, social interaction, work ethic, drive, motivation, support networks, family, music, love, the whole gamut. Let's start with success: I define success as being THE best at something. Not good, not great, not having fun, not making a living. Being number freaking one. After some creative questioning, Mr. Bons was able to catch me saying "if some all-knowing person were to tell me that I couldn't be the best composer in the world, I would quit right now". And, "If that person were to tell me I couldn't be the best banker/investor/trader in the world, I would stop chasing that too! But if he were to say I was to be the worlds "best" paleontologist specializing in fossilized bird crap, I would jump at the opportunity to be "the best" at something." Ladies and gentlemen, that is not good. That is down-right unhealthy, not to mention unrealistic.
Socially...well, I don't have much of that, or at least I don't feel like I do. And that is an important distinction I have to make: weather or not anything I believe is true, I believe it, so the damage is done. That being said, for whatever reason, I "feel" like I have no friends, at least not here, and not in the capacity that I feel like I can go to them for support on a needed basis. And some of those back home that I really thought were my friends, seem to be less so now that I have been gone. I guess I can't blame them, I mean we are all growing, and now in more different ways than ever since I am half way across the freaking world. But I actually got a few messages from people asking me to help them with something, or for a favor, and I replied "well I can't because I'm in Amsterdam...". To which they would reply, "oh really? I didn't even notice you were gone!" REALLY? Are you freaking kidding me? And to think, at one time, I would have considered you a close friend. Forget about THAT!
Take all of this with a grain of salt, however, because I (or we, I should say. My professor/confidants and I) have discovered that I tend to paint a much more colorful picture of what people say to me or think of me than is actually true. I can't take a compliment. Ever. If you say something nice to me, weather I know it or admit it or not, I will be thinking "why is this person lying to my face? Do they want something from me? Do they think I am that nieve to believe that crock?" So, while I say I have a pretty inflated ego, I actually have pretty low self-esteem, and an even lower sense of self-worth, but more on that later. For example, I believed that one of my band-mates in my jazz ensemble sent me a very distasteful message about how much they wished I would not play with them, and now that I had broken my foot, they could finally replace me. I told this to my drum teacher on Tuesday, and he, wisely, asked "let me see that email". So I showed him. To him, the message was nothing more than genuine concern for my well being. This person did not want me to have to play on a broken foot, and was letting me know that they would be able to find a replacement if I thought it would be too much stress on my foot. What a genuinely nice gesture. I totally missed it. I took a brief look at the message when it arrived, and decided that it was nothing but back-handed, sarcastic, hurtful, spiteful, vengeful manipulation of a situation to their favor. Hmm. Maybe they really care? I would have never thought that in a million years.
But why do I put my guard up so high? Have I been hurt in the past? Have I been constantly lied to as a child? Is there something in my history that explains why I can't seem to trust people, be it in complementing me, or looking out for me? I think it is interesting that just about anyone I have met seems to think I will "be successful". Many people, mostly my family, brush it off like "success", in whatever capacity, will come easily. Like, "oh but we don't have to worry about you, we always knew you were going to be the best!". Ok, so, they mean well, I know they do. But that feels like a ton of bricks is being heaped on my shoulders, like I have an added external pressure to "succeed" because others seem to think I will, or think that it will come easy for me, or even just have confidence that I will figure it out. How did I manage to turn that around? Maybe I am lacking in genuine human contact? I mean, I know I am at the moment, but have I been as a rule? Like, chronically? I don't like to open myself up to people, for fear of being hurt? Have I been hurt in the past? I really don't think so, but I have this view that everyone is evil, out for their own good, and will seize the opportunity to crush you, even if you are not in their way. Could it be that this comes from my infatuation with the study of economics, and the thought of the "rational thinker" in a market economy? Greed is good? That kind of thing? I think this goes back farther than that, but I am sure it doesn't help me today.
Work ethic, drive, and motivation. It is clear that I am a very sensitive person, and I have that primal need to create, or at least be creative. I do like music, and I do like contemporary music, or art music, or academic music; whatever you want to call it. But I get stuck on these big, big, macro-picture questions of style, worth, social purpose, and "success". And it deadlocks me. It absolutely grinds me to a halt! Even with taking baby steps in a piece, or practicing a hand exercise on set; I can't do it. I keep asking "why?" "What does it mean?" "What's the use?!" Truly destructive. Especially when you combine that with the aforementioned character traits I display. It is very, very possible that I, very creatively, I might add, use this facade of being concerned about the "big picture" stuff to cover up some real serious laziness. Or at least to hide the genuine difficulty I experience in writing music. Thats not cool either. If I found out someone else was doing something like that, I would call them out hard-core. I can't stand laziness, perhaps because I am so...
Well...thats about all I got for now (and not because I am lazy!). I just, I can't think about this crap anymore tonight.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Saturday, Nov. 26th (day 90) - Wednesday, Dec. 7th (day 101)
I did it again, I waited way too long to write. And this time I am really struggling to remember what I did in the past week; it all seems like such a blur.
I guess I can sum it all up with very general swaths of information: I broke my foot (or rather, I found out that it is for sure broken), wrote another jazz tune, started a new piece (for a friend: solo violin, djembe, and dance), and went to Milan with my family.
I guess that's really the most notable piece of information I can expand upon: Milan. Thursday, Dec. 1st, I flew from Schiphol to Milan, where my parents were staying because of David's business there. It was quite fun, actually! Stayed in a nice hotel (the Carlton Hotel Baglioni), ate at 5 star restaurants every night, did some shopping in the fashion district, saw a few cathedrals, museums, Leanardo's Last Supper, and even went clubbing with some A-list runway models (at Just Cavali, Hollywood). All in true baller fashion, of course! Really not good for me, at least with regards to my ever-present career/soul search: David does a great job of showing me what money can buy, and how awesome it is to have a lot of it! Haha...but seriously. You'll never see a composer flying his family first class to Italy for a long weekend of shopping and clubbing. Neva!
Back at school, it is nose to the grindstone time! Last two weeks here! (not that I have any finals, but I do want to finish this piece before I leave, and I have a few performances.) It has been a real roller-coaster so far this week. My drumset lesson was not much of a lesson, in the conventional sense. It was me not playing and my drum teacher talking about life, career, family, love, dogs, socializing, and day trading. By the end of the conversation, he was all but encouraging me to drop out and day trade my way to a million dollars (easier said than done). Today made that even worse, with our "reentry meeting"; a core meeting put on by IES to try and help us become functional Americans again. They asked us to look at what we had accomplished here vs. what we aimed to accomplish when we first arrived. I was rather depressed to find that the only thing I really wanted was to really solidify my major/career choice, so I could come back to the states totally focused and ready to hammer out the last few semesters. But I did not accomplish this, at all. In fact, I am more confused than ever. I know I put too much emphasis on this, and I would be better suited to just finish my program and find happiness with friends and family. But I just can't seem to, I feel like I need to love what I do everyday; but does anybody? I'm not sure, but I know I need to straighten up and either become the musician I need to be at this stage, or give up the ghost and get serious in something else. I feel like such a shell of a person, like I don't amount to anything. I have nothing to show for my college career, let alone my time abroad. Even still, I have a feeling that if I were to appear as I am now to my high school senior self, I wouldn't even recognize myself, and what a total mess I have become...see what I mean?!
Anyway, I am going to try and cool down so I can do some more work on this piece for my last ever lesson with the great Joel Bons tomorrow. It is truly hard to believe. I will be well suited to be centered and ready to learn from him tomorrow; turn off the mental blocks and be ready to absorb what he has to offer. Easier said than done? Yes. But this is my last chance...
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