We dug pretty deep into my psyche, as one might expect after an episode like that. We examined things like success, social interaction, work ethic, drive, motivation, support networks, family, music, love, the whole gamut. Let's start with success: I define success as being THE best at something. Not good, not great, not having fun, not making a living. Being number freaking one. After some creative questioning, Mr. Bons was able to catch me saying "if some all-knowing person were to tell me that I couldn't be the best composer in the world, I would quit right now". And, "If that person were to tell me I couldn't be the best banker/investor/trader in the world, I would stop chasing that too! But if he were to say I was to be the worlds "best" paleontologist specializing in fossilized bird crap, I would jump at the opportunity to be "the best" at something." Ladies and gentlemen, that is not good. That is down-right unhealthy, not to mention unrealistic.
Socially...well, I don't have much of that, or at least I don't feel like I do. And that is an important distinction I have to make: weather or not anything I believe is true, I believe it, so the damage is done. That being said, for whatever reason, I "feel" like I have no friends, at least not here, and not in the capacity that I feel like I can go to them for support on a needed basis. And some of those back home that I really thought were my friends, seem to be less so now that I have been gone. I guess I can't blame them, I mean we are all growing, and now in more different ways than ever since I am half way across the freaking world. But I actually got a few messages from people asking me to help them with something, or for a favor, and I replied "well I can't because I'm in Amsterdam...". To which they would reply, "oh really? I didn't even notice you were gone!" REALLY? Are you freaking kidding me? And to think, at one time, I would have considered you a close friend. Forget about THAT!
Take all of this with a grain of salt, however, because I (or we, I should say. My professor/confidants and I) have discovered that I tend to paint a much more colorful picture of what people say to me or think of me than is actually true. I can't take a compliment. Ever. If you say something nice to me, weather I know it or admit it or not, I will be thinking "why is this person lying to my face? Do they want something from me? Do they think I am that nieve to believe that crock?" So, while I say I have a pretty inflated ego, I actually have pretty low self-esteem, and an even lower sense of self-worth, but more on that later. For example, I believed that one of my band-mates in my jazz ensemble sent me a very distasteful message about how much they wished I would not play with them, and now that I had broken my foot, they could finally replace me. I told this to my drum teacher on Tuesday, and he, wisely, asked "let me see that email". So I showed him. To him, the message was nothing more than genuine concern for my well being. This person did not want me to have to play on a broken foot, and was letting me know that they would be able to find a replacement if I thought it would be too much stress on my foot. What a genuinely nice gesture. I totally missed it. I took a brief look at the message when it arrived, and decided that it was nothing but back-handed, sarcastic, hurtful, spiteful, vengeful manipulation of a situation to their favor. Hmm. Maybe they really care? I would have never thought that in a million years.
But why do I put my guard up so high? Have I been hurt in the past? Have I been constantly lied to as a child? Is there something in my history that explains why I can't seem to trust people, be it in complementing me, or looking out for me? I think it is interesting that just about anyone I have met seems to think I will "be successful". Many people, mostly my family, brush it off like "success", in whatever capacity, will come easily. Like, "oh but we don't have to worry about you, we always knew you were going to be the best!". Ok, so, they mean well, I know they do. But that feels like a ton of bricks is being heaped on my shoulders, like I have an added external pressure to "succeed" because others seem to think I will, or think that it will come easy for me, or even just have confidence that I will figure it out. How did I manage to turn that around? Maybe I am lacking in genuine human contact? I mean, I know I am at the moment, but have I been as a rule? Like, chronically? I don't like to open myself up to people, for fear of being hurt? Have I been hurt in the past? I really don't think so, but I have this view that everyone is evil, out for their own good, and will seize the opportunity to crush you, even if you are not in their way. Could it be that this comes from my infatuation with the study of economics, and the thought of the "rational thinker" in a market economy? Greed is good? That kind of thing? I think this goes back farther than that, but I am sure it doesn't help me today.
Work ethic, drive, and motivation. It is clear that I am a very sensitive person, and I have that primal need to create, or at least be creative. I do like music, and I do like contemporary music, or art music, or academic music; whatever you want to call it. But I get stuck on these big, big, macro-picture questions of style, worth, social purpose, and "success". And it deadlocks me. It absolutely grinds me to a halt! Even with taking baby steps in a piece, or practicing a hand exercise on set; I can't do it. I keep asking "why?" "What does it mean?" "What's the use?!" Truly destructive. Especially when you combine that with the aforementioned character traits I display. It is very, very possible that I, very creatively, I might add, use this facade of being concerned about the "big picture" stuff to cover up some real serious laziness. Or at least to hide the genuine difficulty I experience in writing music. Thats not cool either. If I found out someone else was doing something like that, I would call them out hard-core. I can't stand laziness, perhaps because I am so...
Well...thats about all I got for now (and not because I am lazy!). I just, I can't think about this crap anymore tonight.
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